Thursday, July 9, 2015

Asininity or the American Obsession with Fireworks

Professionally prepared and launched fireworks displays bear a certain mystical aura that resonates with the very core of our American identity: the majestic sights and sounds of light exploding in the twilit sky hearken back to the unrest and conflict that led to the birth of our great nation. The sensory overload that accompanies such a display evokes deep rooted emotions that are indelibly linked to our national anthem, which, unsurprisingly, often serves as the sonic backdrop for fireworks shows along with other patriotic tunes. Such shows are at once awe-inspiring and enthralling, captivating onlookers with their dazzling demonstrations of vibrant variegation and thunderous din.

Small scale fireworks, however, are fucking asinine.

Since I was a kid, I've been unable to understand the allure of fireworks for people. To me, the appeal must be to the most basic, primal pleasure portions of the brain favored only by the heaviest of mouth-breathers and knuckle-draggers. Most fireworks simply make a loud noise and an evanescent burst of light--both of which could be easily attained, say, by dropping pots and pans onto the floor from some height or rapidly flipping a light switch on and off. Ironically, I feel like people who are entertained by small scale fireworks would be equally enraptured with the aforementioned pastimes.

Maybe it's the danger aspect of it that gets people going. Sure you might wind up with sore toes dropping the pans but there's no real risk of losing any digits nor is there a true chance of suffering debilitating burns by the intense heat of an exploding firework when one diddles a light switch. People knowingly endanger themselves for some sort of cheap thrill all the time (B.A.S.E. jumping or running with the bulls for example) and though I understand that and can even appreciate it to a certain extent, when it comes to fireworks I just can't wrap my mind around the derivation of enjoyment. I guess it's the same thing with riding really loud motorcycles but at least with that the rides often look awesome and you're doing something marginally productive.

Nearly everyone I know has had a close call with fireworks or has suffered some sort of injury as a result of mishandling them. When I was little, someone shot off a bottle rocket from our yard and it went through my great aunt's window across the street and lodged in the back of her television set; it didn't explode until it was in the TV. Perhaps you can piece together why that would be a problem (unless you're a fan of fireworks in which case please continue staring at your feet in wonder). Fireworks lead to property damage and utterly gruesome injuries but offer little in the way of offsetting positivity.

Poor judgment leads to most of the negative situations people find themselves in when it comes to fireworks--something that has an alarmingly high occurrence rate. Case in point, barely a week ago on the Fourth I was sitting on the beach with my 10 month old son playing in a small pool of water as the tide rolled in when three teenage boys came walking towards us. One kept playing with a lighter and eventually set off a small firecracker when they were still some distance off. My wife urged me to scoop up our son and bring him over to her but I wanted to give the kids the benefit of the doubt thinking foolishly that they would exercise at least a modicum of sound judgment; they did not. As they approached the other end of the small pool of water that I sat in with my son, the same kid lit another firework and dropped it into the water presumably to see if it would explode and make a splash.

Take a second to let that sink in: twenty feet from a ten month old child this kid dropped a lit firecracker into a pool of water to see what would happen.

Saying nothing of the fact that this genetic defect could have dropped it, oh, I don't know, into the fucking ocean that was right behind him where no one happened to be swimming, this kid thought absolutely nothing about the fact that he was lighting what is essentially a highly explosive device within feet of an infant. One might be tempted to chalk it up to his age and immaturity but I won't. Teenagers often exercise a disconcerting lack of judgement but when it comes to fireworks adults are just as bad if not worse. Teens and toddlers both exist in this id-driven, myopic state so in a sense I wouldn't expect the kid to have utilized what common sense he had available to him...but it didn't stop me from lighting him up for endangering me and my kid.


Many people seem incapable of understanding that the risk associated with fireworks simply isn't worth it, including, apparently, an alarming number of professional athletes. Jason Pierre-Paul of the New York Giants had a finger amputated along with suffering several severe injuries as a result of a fireworks accident over the weekend. Not to be outdone, Tampa Bay Buccaneers' cornerback C.J. Wilson lost two fingers in his respective incident.

Whether or not the loss of the phalanges will impact their careers remains to be seen but I can't help but wonder why anyone would waste their time with such an inordinate amount of risk for such a disproportionate amount of pleasure or entertainment.