So now that the blog has gone global and beyond, being read on all eight continents (seriously--one of my readers from the future has informed me that a massive tectonic disturbance has severed California and the great bulk of the western coast from the mainland and has set it adrift in the Pacific. Apparently the United Federation has elected to recognize it as a sovereign continent called "West America," making it the eighth continent. True story. Another true story (and little known fact about me!)--I can't travel to the past, only to the future. Well, kinda. I mean, I probably could travel back to the past...but I definitely shouldn't. Why, you ask? I'm allergic to Penicillin! Yup. So if I get shot or otherwise wounded, I'm pretty much screwed. I mean...technically...I guess I could go back to before even Penicillin was discovered...but then if I got shot or wounded...I guess I'd still be screwed...just on a MUCH more fundamental level. Don't say it--I JUST thought it too: I could just go back even FURTHER to before they invented firearms and/or projectile weapons...but didn't Neanderthals wield pointed spears? Shit...maybe I should just stick to the future. Or the present. It IS a "gift," after all! BA DUM CHING! Basically I just can't answer this want ad):
So yeah...blah blah blah, on all eight continents...oh! Right! AND across all five oceans (seriously--there are five--RIGHT NOW! Did you have any idea? Me neither! WTF! It's like Pluto gets downgraded and there are all sorts of wristbands and walks and shit in support of it but somehow the global governing body has slipped in a new ocean on us unnoticed. Don't believe me? Here's one of a million new maps that show it:
http://www.maps.com/map.aspx?pid=11568
Or, if you trust Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oceans )
Anyway, Google has played a HUGE role in making my blog one of the top five read sites on the Internet, particularly with the advent of "Google Translator." This motha-motha not only translates betwixt English and nearly sixty other languages, including Afrikaans (no, not the one with the clicks--that's Swahili), Azerbaijani, Yiddish, and...wait for it...Swahili! It also has the impressive feature of auto-detecting the language making it arguably the most useful translation tool on the Net (though numerous pretenders have sprung up in recent months). Now, my readers from the African plains to the war-torn cities of Azerbaijan (just kidding--I have NO IDEA what Azerbaijan is like! They might just be war-torn villages or shanty-towns) can easily log on and enjoy the mirth and goodwill featured on my site!
Sadly, though, there are still a great deal of people who are assed out thanks to the callous thoughtlessness of those highbrow Google parvenus (I'm thinking of you my Aborigine friends! Stay strong! Papa *TCHK TLOP MBO!PA!* Loves you!) Anyway, being the envelope-pushing egalitarian that I am I've decided to provide some special messages to a select group of...groups...of...people...yeah...who are underserved by the Facist Klingon Empire of Goog-El. If anyone can figure out what the following messages say, who they are directed to, and what the single overarching thing is that interrelates said communiqué, leave a comment or shoot me an email and if you're the first person to get it right, I'll send you some sort of prize.
Seriously--no joke--I will send you something cool. Cross my heart!
Anyway, without further ado:
(Okay, just a LITTLE adu):
Message # 1
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Message # 2
,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THE WAY SHE LOVES ME,THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND,WHY ,I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT OUR LOVE,AND WHAT ,I MUST DO,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE HOW BLUE,HER EYES CAN BE WHEN SHE SAYS,WHEN SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME,WELL YOU GOT YOUR REASONS,AND YOU GOT YOUR LIES,AND YOU GOT YOUR MANIPULATIONS,THEY CUT ME DOWN TO SIZE,SAYIN' YOU LOVE BUT YOU DON'T,YOU GIVE YOUR LOVE BUT YOU WON'T,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THE WAY SHE LOVES ME,THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND,WHY ,I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT OUR LOVE,AND WHAT ,I MUST DO,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE HOW BLUE,HER EYES CAN BE WHEN SHE SAYS,WHEN SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME,SEEMS THE ROAD LESS TRAVELED,SHOWS HAPPINESS UNRAVELED,AND YOU GOT TO TAKE A LITTLE DIRT,TO KEEP WHAT YOU LOVE,THAT'S WHAT YOU GOTTA DO ,SAYIN' YOU LOVE BUT YOU DON'T,YOU GIVE YOUR LOVE BUT YOU WON'T,YOU'RE STRETCHING OUT YOUR ARMS,TO SOMETHING THAT'S JUST NOT THERE,SAYIN' YOU LOVE WHERE YOU STAND,GIVE YOUR HEART WHEN YOU CAN,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THE WAY SHE LOVES ME,THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND,WHY ,I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT OUR LOVE,AND WHAT ,I MUST DO,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE HOW BLUE,HER EYES CAN BE WHEN SHE SAYS,WHEN SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME,SAYIN' YOU LOVE BUT YOU DON'T,YOU GIVE YOUR LOVE BUT YOU WON'T,SAYIN' YOU LOVE WHERE YOU STAND,GIVE YOUR HEART WHEN YOU CAN,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE THE WAY SHE LOVES ME,THEN MAYBE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND,WHY ,I FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT OUR LOVE,AND WHAT ,I MUST DO,IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE HOW BLUE,HER EYES CAN BE WHEN SHE SAYS,WHEN SHE SAYS SHE LOVES ME
Message # 3
Message # 4
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