Thursday, March 3, 2011

"The Associated Year": A Memoir. Episode 8: "The Boss' Daughter"

The Boss' Daughter

For as ugly and evil as the boss and his son were (both spiritually and physically), it never dawned on me that the former might have a daughter and the latter a sister.  I suppose, in fact, that it never did dawn on me...but what it DID do was catch me by surprise in jaw-dropping fashion.

I walked into work one day during the summer of the Associated Year and saw the third stock boy in the store with a dazed look on his face.  He offered me a goofy smile and I wondered what the hell was going on.  I saw Lumiere and he had a similar expression.  Before I could even ask, I turned around and saw what was, still to this day, one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.


My jaw dropped and I started getting that heart-pounding, palm-sweating sequence of events typical of any adolescent male in the presence of a supremely attractive female.  Before I could even ask, Lumiere pulled me aside and told me that she was the boss' daughter and to be careful about what I said and how I acted in front of her because she would be in all week.

I remember giggling.  A lot

At first it was just because I couldn't believe that this goddess was going to be stuck in the same place I was for a week.  But then it was because I realized that someone this beautiful actually came from my boss and was related to Gigantor.

Then I saw him: Gigantor in the flesh.

And he wasn't happy.

In fact, he looked downright sullen.  All of his mirthful malice had disappeared from his face.

That was when I found out that a) his sister was older than him and b) she was in because her father (the boss) was out all week...

...which made her not just the boss, but HIS boss as well.

It was almost too good to be true.

By this point I was no longer afraid of Gigantor (truthfully it was probably because I knew my days at that store were coming to an end at some point in the foreseeable why pet the sweaty stuff?) and, as soon as I could, I went after him.

"So do you do it lefty or righty?"

"Do what?" he asked in the snottiest tone imaginable.

"Jerk off in your sister's bed."


I took off.  He hurled something at me...and missed.

I felt like Odysseus escaping the wounded Polyphemus' island, taunting him as the blinded cyclops hurled whatever he could at Noman. 

It was awesome!

Figuring I had nothing to lose (and wanting to prove more mature than Lumiere and the other stock boy), I made small talk with the new boss.  She was polite and I kept it brief (no need to start salivating in front of her).

And so I settled in to my routine for the week: do some work, bust Gigantor's balls, get back to work, ogle the boss' daughter, get back to work, ogle her while doing work, finish up for the day, and head home.

When you think about it, it really is simultaneously amazing and pathetic the effect that a beautiful woman can have on a man, let alone a gaggle of teenage boys.  Ladies--you have no idea what it's like being a man and being under the sadistic spell of the Dark Lord Testosterone.  I know you have your monthlies and all...but you've never gotten an erection at an inopportune time (think: in front of a pretty girl or in front of the whole class when you're asked to write an answer at the blackboard.  Ever wonder why some guys seemed to be really interested in double-checking their work?  They weren't.  They just couldn't turn around).

(Okay wait--random story: during one of my high school English classes, I got stuck with one of the most droll, boring, monotonous teachers in the history of English class (which is saying a lot).  The whole class just sort of zoned out for days, hell, probably weeks...until it happened.  The man sat down on the corner of his desk...and suddenly we were ALL at attention...including him.

This man had the largest package in the world.  His pants got pulled taut and all you could see was the outline of what looked like a baby being strangled under his zipper.  It was amazing AND disgusting...and you were compelled to look.  It was mesmerizing, like a really bad car accident or train wreck.

So every time he would sit down, someone would crack up.  It was impossible not to.

Then it happened.

A girl had been sleeping in the front row and had her head down on her desk.  The teacher walked by...



(take a moment to collect yourself before reading on)



...and hit the girl in the face with his gigantic penis.  It was COMPLETELY unintentional but he was walking really close to the desks and she was leaning out towards the end...

The poor girl was traumatized.  She jolted awake in disbelief as to what had broken her slumber.  I shit you not she didn't sleep again in class the entire semester and, if I were a betting man, I'd put money on her not sleeping again ever.

But that isn't even the worst thing that happened.

Later on in the semester, the teacher decided to give us a little bit of review for an upcoming exam...and thus he wrote everything on the board for us.  And I mean everything.  He started at top left corner of the left-most board and filled that entire square up.  Then he side-stepped to the right, continuing at the top left corner of the next square of blackboard until he had reached the bottom-right side.  Then, again, he side-stepped to the right...

...but something was wrong...horribly wrong.

As he filled up board number three, a few of us noticed a strange line going across boards one and two; something had erased an erratic but somewhat level path roughly three-quarters from the top of the board.  It continued on to the third board and, just as the teacher finished filling up the final board with notes but before he could turn around, it dawned on us what was happening.

Before we could even say anything the teacher turned around and, sure enough, had a huge chalk splotch on his crotch.  His PACKAGE was erasing the note as he moved across the board.)

Anyway, so yeah, an attractive woman can turn damn near any man into a slobbering fool.  I'll never forget the time I attended a training for a program I was working for.  I was sent down to make sure the room was open and in working order for the trainer and, as I finished setting everything up, in walked arguably the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.  Hands down. 

Fortunately for me, I was no longer a fifteen year old boy (well, at least numerically speaking) and I was much more comfortable interacting with attractive members of the opposite sex.  This time, instead of giggling, I just laughed and smirked to myself, shaking my head.  I couldn't believe that she was going to be training me and, again, I offered up a brief supplication to whichever deity hooked me up since this woman and I would now be in the same room together for at least an hour or more.

I introduced myself and her southern Texan drawl sounded like a choir of angels as she responded.  We made small talk and she said she would be right back, she needed to get some things from her office downstairs.  As soon as she was gone I either bit my knuckle or jumped up and down...or maybe both.  So much for not being fifteen anymore!

I knew that my supervisor (a female acquaintance of the same age in the same program I was in at the time) and my buddy Esquire would be showing up any minute.  They wound up coming in together and I did my best to warn them of the hotness level of our trainer...or at least the best that I could with my high pitched, breathless, waytoofastforanyonetounderstandwhatthehellIwassaying gibberish.

Then she walked in again.

This time I just sat back and watched as Esquire's mouth literally gaped did my supervisor (she was into chicks too). 

I just wish that I could have seen all three of us during that training.  Never in my life have I ever given one person that much attention.  The best part was that the three of us were sitting at the front of the room not taking our eyes off of this woman and she was probably thinking that a) we were really into the training and/or b) that she was doing a really great job.

Oh well--she got some false self-confidence from us and we got to look at her

Everyone's a winner!

So my boss' daughter wasn't nearly as hot as the future trainer proved to be but, to a fifteen year old boy, she was a breathtaking exotic creature who deserved worshipping.

Again, it really was pathetic the effect that she had on me and the other two stock boys.  We took advantage of every opportunity that we had just to keep her in our line of sight.  I mopped the same aisle six times before she moved and I went on to the next one.  I ate my lunch sitting on a friggin' radiator just so that I could see her while I ate.  Not to mention the countless unnecessary tasks that we all undertook just to be closer to the front of the store.

To this day I still can't understand how two people could create children of such polarizing, opposing beauty: Gigantor with is strange hulking hideousness and his sister--a Middle Eastern Aphrodite.