My All-Time Favorite Cartoons

It's no secret that I am a sucker for lists.  Top 10, Top 25, Top 100, hell, even the top 1,043 (songs by New York radio station Q104.3) make me happy.  I enjoy reminiscing through such lists (if they are nostalgic) and, quite often, arguing with or debating either the ordering or inclusion/exclusion whatever is being listed.  Since either side of New Year's is a wonderful time for reflection, I've decided to start the year off with my list of the Top 60 cartoons that I enjoyed as a child.  I'm electing to list cartoons because, despite still being less than a year old, Timmy has already developed preferences in terms of the shows that he likes.  Granted, his favorite programs, in order, are Sportscenter, Around the Horn, Pardon the Interruption, the Scott Van Pelt show, and Sportsnation, he DOES have a soft spot for the occasional animated program.  HIS include Special Agent Oso (at the top of the list) as well as Handy Manny. 

Thinking about favorite cartoons led me to reflect back on my own favorite programs.  I remembered coming home from school and being excited about watching certain shows (primarily in elementary school) or looking forward to Saturday and Sunday mornings.  My list will surely surprise some, particularly the exclusions or the shows that I did not enjoy, but, hopefully, more than that, it will inspire some to travel back in time and to relive some of their favorite cartoons and the memories associated with them.


Note: All information regarding seasons, episodes, and air dates were taken from the respective Wikipedia pages for each cartoon.

THE TOP 60 CARTOONS OF MY CHILDHOOD ('83-'01 for technical purposes)

Note: The ordering of these cartoons is based upon an intricate ten-point, ten-category system.  Each cartoon is judged rigorously and is given a score reflective of its historical importance and overall impact on the furthering of mankind's positive aims.  And my all that I mean that the scores are completely arbitrary.  I even changed some scores today that I put in yesterday.  Just because.  Awesome!

The categories are as follows:

Opening Sequence (the sequence of images that opens each show--one of the most important and memorable aspects of identifying cartoons)

Theme Song (arguably the single most important element that one identifies with a show or cartoon (you could learn a thing or two from Friends...we're looking at YOU, LOST!))

Action Figures (let's be real--cartoons in the '80s were all about marketing; if a cartoon didn't have good action figures (or dolls) associated with it, it wasn't treading water very long)

Movies (along the same line as the action figures...but I've expanded it to include the full franchise, not necessarily that one incarnation of the cartoon)

Memorable (I know I know--I'm not getting into Mensa with these devilishly creative titles.  Memorable simply means how well each episode etched itself indelibly (is there any other way?) into your mind, heart, and/or soul.  Better cartoons have you remembering numerous episodes in their entirety or countless individual moments; worse ones have you looking shit up on Wikipedia in search of that moment of recall.)

Characters (The overall cast but the main protagonists in particular)

Villains (The foils or antagonists for the heroes, where applicable.  And where it wasn't applicable the shows got a big fat ZERO)

Artwork (Arguably the most important element overall.  Sure the characters and plot are important but who wants to watch a bunch of shittily drawn or animated characters enacting a plot on a shittily drawn or animated background?  I'm looking SQUARELY at you, South Park)

Storyline (Sadly there were no postmodern cartoons growing up (at least as far as I can remember) so plot was a necessary evil.  Storyline can refer either to an overarching storyline that persists from the beginning of the series until its end or a one-off storyline with recurring elements in which each individual episode has its own plot that shares common occurrences with other episodes)

Music/Sound (Unless you couldn't hear or didn't have the sound on, the music and sound effects used throughout each episode really gave it life (or drained it of its precious life-force).

#60 The Flintstones

Score: -3 / 100


Seasons: 6    Episodes: 166 


First Aired: 1960 - 1966

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "How could The Flintstones be last on the list!?"  Or maybe I'm not giving you enough credit and you're more mathematically minded and you're thinking, "You said the categories were scored on a ten point scale, blackguard!  What tomfoolery is this negative score you have here?  Rapscallion!"  See, the Flintstones is not simply a GREAT cartoon--it's a classic.  Hell, it's part of Americana (whatever that is).  Every red-blooded lumberjack tin-can-eating American knows who Fred Flintstone is.  They know he's married to Ginger, the red head from Gilligan's Island, and that he has a son and a daughter named Bam-Bam and Pebbles (though he might not always remember who is whom).  He might remember that Fred has a dog dinosaur named Dino...but he SURE AS HELL knows that the Flintstones live in Bedrock and that Fred's best pal is named Barney, who, incidentally, is married to Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island.

So what gives with the negative score?

Well...for starters, it got a low score for lacking memorability (you know all of those details about the show but can you remember a single episode's plot?  I can't!)  There aren't many if any villains and no good action figures.  But you didn't ask about the low score...you asked about the negative score.

You can thank the movies for that one.

I gave The Flintstones a -40 out of 10 in the movies category even though I've never seen the movie(s).  I can't and won't.  Granted, I started out by giving it a 2 out of 10 in that category simply because they casted John Goodman as Fred Flintstone (GREAT selection) but then I was forced to give -22 because the movie co-starred Rosie O'Donnell as Betty Rubble.  Seriously.  Rosie O'Donnell as Mary Ann.  I mean Betty Rubble.  Dammit!  See!!  That's why it deserves the negative score.

"Wait wait--what about the other -18 points?"

They made a sequel.  -8.  That starred Stephen Baldwin.  -10.   (I would've given more negative points but I was feeling magnanimous during my scoring.  A spot of decaffeinated Earl Grey tea in the evening will do that to a fellow!)

Seriously though--Stephen Baldwin.  That's only one Baldwin away from Billy.  Plus he's a Yabba Dabba Douchebag!

# 59 Bonkers

Score: 3 / 100

Seasons: 4    Episodes: 64 


First Aired: 1993 - 1995

Bonkers is one of those '90s shows that many '80s kids might remember and think they liked...until they try to recall any single thing about the show (other than the fact that Bonkers was a feline cop).  It's a bit like the conversation Cobb has with Ariadne outside of the cafe: you know you're outside of a cafe (or, in the case of Bonkers, that you used to watch the show) but when you try to remember how you got there (or any single detail about the cartoon) you find that you can't.

# 58 Freakazoid!

Score: 3 / 100


Season: 2  Episodes: 24 


First Aired: 1995 - 1997

When I tried to remember Freakazoid!, I kept thinking it started out as a skit in Animaniacs.  Maybe it did--I'm not really sure.  All I know is that I remember as much about Freakazoid! as I do about Bonkers.  Terrible.

# 57 Biker Mice From Mars

Score: 5 / 100

Seasons: 3  Episodes: 65 


First Aired: 1993 - 1996

I'm sure you're probably thinking, "What the hell is 'Biker Mice From Mars'"?  I can't blame you--I barely remember, myself.  I DO know they had an action figure line and that the show was filled with lots of things aimed at little boys: explosions, motorcycles, a hot babe ripe for the saving, and gigantic mice dudes.  Biker mice dudes, actually.  From Mars.


Random song Mars needing women...angry, red women:

# 56 Richie Rich

Score: 6 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 83


First Aired: 1980 - 1984

I don't ever remember watching Richie Rich...but I'm sure it happened.  It was probably one of those filler cartoons, either on Sunday morning before 9 o'clock or early on Saturdays.  Hell, as it stands, the only character I remember is Richie Rich and even that recollection is tenuous (I often confuse him with Dennis The Menace...the po' man's Richie Rich, I suppose).  The only reason Richie Rich even gets the bulk of its points is because of the movie version that came out 1994 and starred John Laroquette (who was great in Night Court...which I also watched as a kid) and Macaulay Culkin--a perfect fit for Richie Rich.  The person in charge of casting knew what he or she was doing--strike while the iron's hot!  Culkin was still riding his Home Alone fame at that point...before the drugs and dirty hookers started.

Or maybe not before?




# 55 Goof Troop


Score: 6 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 79


First Aired: 1992 - 1993


I barely remembered Goofy had a son in this show, let alone that he was all buddy-buddy with Pete and his kid.  The only reason I even watched this crap was because Goofy is my favorite of the Mickey Gang.

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Broccoli Snork?

# 54 Snorks

Score: 7 / 100


Seasons: 4  Episodes: 65 (108 cartoons)


First Aired: 1984 - 1989

I know--seven points?  I can't explain it either.  I suppose it's the novelty of them; they're like knock-off Smurfs but they live underwater.  Plus I had a Snork toy as a kid.  It's funny though because I realized that I couldn't remember much about this show either...and then I watched the intro.  Good Lord--what a shit-fest!  First of all, the song is absolutely terrible.  Second, it looks like the two dancing Snorks (at 0:08 in the video below) are about to get their grind on (it's like an underwater Studio 54!).  Third, if Snorks can breathe underwater and ride seahorses then why the hell would they need a submarine? (See 0:11-0:13)  Finally--what kind of smut is that at 0:23!?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4ALjDSsMd4

Turrible.

# 53 The Smurfs

Score: 7/100


Seasons: 9  Episodes: 421


First Aired: 1981 - 1989

The Smurfs are arguably one of the most popular or at least ubiquitous cartoons to come out of the '80s...but, yet again, I can remember nothing about this show.  First of all, the Smurfs look like the Keebler Elves if all those fuckers did was huff paint fumes.  Second, depending on the intro you watch, you get VERY different results/impressions about the show.  One shows an evil wizard(?) and cat hellbent on destroying the little blue boogers.  The other one is like watching a knockoff Follow the Yellow Brick road performance on acid.  The only characters I vaguely remember are Smurfette (because she's the only girl and thus the concubine of the Smurf tribe) and the elder/old man Smurf (who has probably taken Smurfette as his wife...and if he hasn't he will.  Unless she's his daughter.  But even then...)

I gave this cartoon a -10 in the Movies category because though there's no Smurfs movie yet there appears to be one coming out this year.  And it's another 3-D piece of shit spectacle.  I guess they didn't learn from the Garfield experiment.

# 52 Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars

Score: 7 / 100

Seasons: 1  Episodes: 13


First Aired: 1991

I'll best most of you are scratching your heads and wondering, "Who the hell is Bucky O'Hare?"  I have no idea how popular this show as but my guess is: not very.  The only reason it's ahead of the Smurfs is I remember asking for (and getting) at least one or two Bucky O'Hare action figures for either my birthday or Christmas.  I must've seen the show and potentially liked it at least a little bit...so yeah.

Or maybe not...I'm starting to think the toys in question were actually from the Ninja Turtles line.  Maybe someone else had the toys.  Who knows.  7 / 100 points--seriously. 

# 51 Denver, the Last Dinosaur

Score: 7 / 100


Seasons: 1  Episodes: 52


First Aired: 1988

The only reason this show even got to 7 points is because of its somewhat catchy opening song.  I remembered it quite clearly despite having watched the show probably a handful of times as a tot.  To be honest, I don't even really remember Denver...and I had NO idea that he played the electric guitar until I re-watched the intro on Youtube.

Denver, the Last Dinosaur--a run of FIFTY TWO episodes including Chef Denver, Fizzback's Follies, and Arabian Adventure.

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I am a tremendous purple loser, Hey Hey! =D

# 50 Widget

Score: 8 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 65


First Aired: 1990 - 1991

So the intro to this gem is typical 80s garbage...but with a preachy message!  Because that's what I want to hear when I listen to 80s music: preachiness.  It's bad enough that Jon Bon Jovi thinks I gave love a bad name and Sting and the Police are watching every breath I take, now I have to hear this little civic minded prick tell me about how the planet's in trouble.  Plus the evil female poacher in one episode looks A LOT like Wendie Malick (of course I had to IMDB her name)

Anyway, the full title of this space hippie's show is "Widget the World Watcher."  He's a "Watcher" but is nowhere NEAR the level of Marvel's race of Watchers.  Hell, I'd even prefer Fringe's Powder-Lookalike Observer over this purple shape shifting turd.

# 49 Histeria!

Score: 8 / 100

Seasons: 3  Episodes: 52


First Aired: 1998 - 2001

The only thing that I remember from this show is the weird baby.  I gave it 8 points though because it tries to make something potentially boring (History or "stuff that's already happened") fun and interesting.  I'm not too keen on the addition of the exclamation point at the end of the title...it's almost as if they're trying to hard.  There's nothing like an attempt to exhibit unnecessary superlative faux excitement as a means of luring unsuspecting youth into thinking that they will actually enjoy the next thirty minutes (including commercials).

# 48 Yogi Bear


Score: 9


Seasons: 1  Episodes: 35


First Aired: 1961


Yogi Bear has his place among the most beloved characters of the 1960s and, as a result of his notoriety, he got some slack cut for him...because the cartoons were pretty terrible.  All I remember is that he wore a hat, stole picnic baskets, had a budding romance with a male park ranger, and lived in Jellystone National Park. 


They recently released a Yogi Bear movie.  Wanna see the real ending, not shown in theaters because the suits deemed it too graphic?


Enjoy!







# 47 Dennis the Menace


Score: 12


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 78


First Aired: 1986 - 1988


Animation's original ne'er-do-well, Dennis the Menace is Bart Simpson's white, suburban, rambunctious predecessor.  I vaguely remember the dog and the Pee-Wee Herman looking kid.  Plus Dennis' Mom is SMOKIN' hot!!!  I remembered Mr. Wilson when I re-watched the intro but I did confuse him for Mr. Belvedere.


Apparently there was a movie that earned a score of 5 / 10 on IMDB but I'm giving it only a three because of the casting for Mr. Wilson.  They should've gotten Belevedere to play him.  Or Tom Selleck. 


Tell Walter Matthau to get rid of that weak ass 'stache. 


Update: It appears that he died in 2000...so you don't have to tell him what I said about the 'stache...unless you see him...but if you see him...you might wanna run...because it could be Zombie Matthau...or not...because maybe you're dead too...speaking of the Zombie Matthau though...how many zombies can you picture with moustaches?!  Exactly!!!


I've discovered the cure for Zombieism: rock a 'stache when Armaggedon comes knockin'!


(I'm thinking it doesn't even have to be a kick-ass Selleck 'stache either since I haven't seen a Zombie Matthau terrorizing any cities...must mean he's still in the box.  A moustache...in the box...nevermind lol)


Walter Matthau: Offering Maggot Moustache rides since '00!

# 46 Darkwing Duck

Score: 13 / 100


Seasons: 3  Episodes: 91


First Aired: 1991 - 1992

Our first double-digit scoring cartoon.  Darkwing Duck actually started as a character on Duck Tales and then scored his own spin-off show.  Lord only knows how his agent manipulated that one.  The show does have a certain panache to it.


Darkwing Duck...let's...get...DANGEROUS!




# 45 Woody Woodpecker

Score: 15 / 100


Woody Woodpecker...good Lord...thank God everyone knows that a woodpecker is a bird.  Right?  RIGHT?!  There's only two reasons this show is on this list: the intro song and that goddamned laugh that made that 'pecker famous.  The intro song isn't anything special other than the fact that it's not entirely in 4:4 time--something that stood out to me as I listened to all of these cartoons' themes.  The laugh was oft imitated and likely caused you to want to punch the person in the face when they did it.


I'm just waiting for some shitty 3-D film version of Woody the Woodpecker to revive that obnoxious throaty giggle.




# 44 Mega Man


Score: 23 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 27


First Aired: 1994 - 1995


I'm a little bit biased towards this cartoon because the Mega Man franchise one of the top ten of all time.  The cartoon was pretty good but never struck me as anything special.  The intro and opening song are pretty good and the artwork is typical anime-esque stuff...but still a solid show nonetheless.




# 43 Bobby's World




Score: 23 / 100


Seasons: 7  Episodes: 80


First Aired: 1990 - 1998


WOW!  I can't believe this show went SEVEN seasons!  It was a great cartoon...but I'm still surprised.  Anyway, Bobby's World kicked ass as one of those cutesy shows.  Bobby Generic (seriously that was his last name--bet you never realized it was spelled that way given its pronunciation on the show) views the world with the over-active imagination typical of children and users of various hallucinogenic substances.  Going along with the latter theme, every show involved a brief live-action moment that featured Howie Mandel, back when Howie was cool and had hair...and before he went all Howard Hughes "DON'T TOUCH ME OR I WILL CUT YOU" like he is today.  Creepy aspect of the show though is that Howie Mandel voiced Bobby.  If you can picture Bobby's voice...and then try to picture Howie Mandel's face scrunching up on that Jheri curled ass head of his, doing the voice.  Creepy indeed.


Creepier still: John Tesh composed the theme song for Bobby's World.  True story.


Bobby's World = '90s animated version of The Wonder Years.


DON'TCHA KNOW???




# 42 Super Mario Brothers


Score: 24 / 100


Seasons: 1  Episodes: 52


First Aired: 1989 - 1991


Oh boy...the Super Mario Brothers Super Show from the '80s.  Every episode opened and closed with a live-action bit featuring Captain Lou Albano and occasionally featured special guests; the list is pretty impressive and includes Nicole Eggert, Vanna White, Roddy Piper, and Sgt. Slaughter.  For our purposes, though, we are concerned only with the cartoon segment.  The animation was good and everything was pretty much what you'd expect from a Mario cartoon.  What prevented this from being rated higher are the opening to the show overall (Rap + Live Action Dancing over animated backgrounds by Captain Lou and the other guy = craptastic failure) as well as the sewage depository of a movie that was released in the mid-90s.  I know--the movie had nothing to do with the cartoon (or the franchise, if you ask me) but it was just so horrifically terrible that there's no way anything remotely related to Mario isn't at least mildly affected.

# 41 Challenge of the GoBots

Score: 27 / 100


Seasons: 1  Episodes: 65


First Aired: 1984/1985


As the movie aspect of my scoring system hurt the Flintstones' placement on this list, so did the action figure category help the GoBots.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with the GoBots, they are essentially the New York Mets to the Transformers' New York Yankees.  The GoBots were based on a different line of Japanese toys but the premise is the same as Transformers: sentient robots engaged in conflict that has a negative impact on human society.  Apparently they too had a movie called "GoBots: Battle of the Rock Lords" that was released one month before the Transformers' movie.  I had no idea that they had a movie (and as for the Rock Lords--I only found out that this crappy ass rock-looking transforming figure that I procured for myself somewhere along the childhood highway was a Rock Lord and not some fake-ass wannabe bootleg Transformer or Go-Bot; I long suspected something was amiss as the quality of the plastic used was rather high (compared to the flimsy plastic that is used with the fake toys)) but apparently it seemed like it was at least somewhat of a lucrative opportunity.  Why do I say this?  Because it featured the voice acting of Roddy McDowall, Telly Savalas, and MARGOT KIDDER!  How can those three not be worth 5 points?


I also wound up giving the action figures a score of 8/10 because they weren't quite as good as Transformers figures but are a hell of a lot better than the knockoff transforming robots you'd find in stores.  Unfortunately, I don't remember anything from the show other than the leader of the good guys (a fighter jet named Leader-1), the leader of the bad guys (a motorcycle named Cy-Kill), and a red Vespa type dude named Scooter (I can only imagine the toll it took on the creative powers of the guys that named these characters).  The problem though is that I know these characters' names only because I had the toys...so I literally remember nothing about the show.  Squadootch.  Zip.  Nilch.  Nada. 


You hear that Widget and Bonkers? 




# 40 Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers

Score: 28 / 100


Seasons: 1  Episodes: 65


First Aired: 1989 - 1990


I remembered the theme song to this show as soon as I started watching the intro, which was a major plus for the show.  I also remembered Chip, Dale, and Monterey Jack as being among the primary characters on the show.  I thought that there was a spin-off show that starred Monterey Jack...and also Chip and Dale...called Talespin.  Apparently that was a different show.  I was so embarrassed for Talespin that I could not include it on this list.


Interesting story: when I was in Disney World for my first and only visit I met the real Chip & Dale (got the autographs to prove it for all the haters) and I asked them what their relationship was like with Alvin and the other chipmunks.  Let me tell you--the look that I got from those gigantic furry dudes was crazy.  Daggers!  One of them grumbled and the other looked me straight in the eye, without blinking, and said, "We don't like their kind."


Racism: it exists even at the quantum chipmunk level.




# 39 Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog


Score: 28 / 100


Seasons: 1  Episodes: 65


First Aired: 1993


I can remember bits and pieces of a few episodes, which is somewhat of a first for the shows on this list thus far!  The show would have been rated higher if not for the weak-ass villains: Dr. Robotnik and his inept acolytes Scratch and Grounder.  I've always hated Dr. Robotnik, as much for his insanely difficult final machine battles in the videogames as his weak ass stature as a baddie.  Still, though, to have Jaleel White (yes, THAT Jaleel White!) voice Sonic...that's pretty impressive. 

# 38 The Tick


Score: 29 / 100


Seasons: 3  Episodes: 36


First Aired: 1994 - 1996


The Tick was a pretty epic cartoon that garnered a cult following.  Unfortunately, I cannot consider myself a full-fledged member; I might show up for the meeting but I wouldn't drink the Kool-Aid.  The Tick had some pretty interesting characters, particularly the villains, but I can't recall anyone in particular outside of Arthur and The Tick, himself.  It's hard not to like the Tick (Arthur not so much--he's like a wussier George Costanza.  I love George...but if he were as wussy as Arthur then I don't know...); he's charismatic, energetic, and an all-around likeable guy.  Plus his epic catchphrase is "SPOOOOOOOONNNN!"


I gave The Tick 3 points for the movie category and feel I should explain.  There is no Tick movie nor do I believe there ever will be.  There was, however, a live action Tick show that starred Puddy as the eponymous protagonist of the show.  Great call on the casting and worthy of three points.  HIGH FIVE!




# 37 Tom and Jerry


Score: 29 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 30


First Aired: 1980 - 1982


I labored over the placement of good ol' Tom and Jerry.  I feel like they should be higher...but at the same time I'm not sure that they were strong enough to stand out on their own against the likes of Looney Tunes.  Everyone remembers Tom and Jerry but I don't feel that their dynamic is quite as strong as Sylvester and Tweety.  Maybe it's the fact that neither of them speak.  Maybe it's the fact that Tom has a sinister air about him while Sylvester just seems driven but goofy.  Either way, this was a staple of my Saturday/Sunday morning cartoon time (much like many other red-blooded, well-muscled, whiskey-drinking, steak-eating, bacon-adoring American!)

# 36 Garfield and Friends


Score: 33 / 100


Seasons: 7  Episodes: 242 (Half were for U.S. Acres)


First Aired: 1988 - 1994


Garfield is a quintessential cartoon that was equally awesome as a comic strip in the newspaper.  It certainly wasn't a thinking man's show...but it didn't need to be.  You had the gluttonous Garfield constantly threatening to send the loveable Odie to Abu Dhabi.  Outside of that...I really don't recall much about the plot.  I know there were other supporting characters, a young chick and a chick still in its egg chiefly among them.  I remember the premise for their appearances seemed to center on hatching the chick and I remember in one episode they finally succeeded...only to find another eggshell underneath.  The only Garfield episode that I can recall with any reliability is a futuristic one...but that's pretty much it.


Garfield got a 0/10 in the movie category because they did make one--in 3-D, that combined live acting with the 3-D animated Garfield.  I didn't see it and hope I never have to.  IMDB gives it a 4.8 but that's 4.8 points too high for me.  TERRIBLE!

# 35 The Legend of Zelda

Score: 34 / 100


Seasons: 1  Episodes: 13


First Aired: 1989

Ahh...the Legend of Zelda.  One of the most successful video game franchises ever and arguably in the top five all time, let alone top ten (suck it Mega Man!)  This cartoon was also part of the Super Mario Brothers Superfantastic Happy Hour (or whatever it was called--I'm too lazy to look it up again or scroll up to see) but what made Zelda special (and thus earned it more points) is the fact that it was on only on Fridays.  The Super Mario Brothers cartoon would be on Monday through Thursday...but Friday's were ladies night...and by ladies night I mean Zelda afternoon.

Anyway, the opening is memorable for its famous "Excuuuuuuuuse me, Princess!" line.  Yeah, that's right: the ZELDA CARTOON INTRO is famous for that line.  It sounds familiar, doesn't it?  Of course it does!  Do you know why?  Because you've heard it before! 

"But I've never seen this Zelda cartoon before...how could this be?!"  you think to yourself...because it's too tough to think to other people...unless you're telepathic like my cousin Cathy.  She told me to say that...with her thoughts!

Here's the original: (0:44 seconds for those who can't wait)

And here's the plagiarizing interloper:

Now people have said that the voice actor that performs Link's character in the Zelda cartoon sounds a lot like the one who voices Aladdin in the Disney cartoon.  I say, "Bollocks!"  It's two different dudes!  And I can remember distinctly Aladdin saying to to Jasmine in the cartoon if not in the movie.


Should we be surprised that Aladdin stole this line?  Not in the least.  I probably looked like a luscious piece of fruit to him and he did how he do.

# 34 Fantastic Four

Score: 38 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 26


First Aired: 1994 - 1996

The 1990s incarnation of the Fantasic Four cartoon was pretty weak as far as superhero cartoons go (hence its position on this list).  The only character of the four that I enjoyed even mildly was the Human Torch...and even that was tenuous at best.  Dr. Doom was disappointing as the archnemesis BUT, what earns this cartoon its cool points is another recurring enemy: Galactus.  He's an eater of worlds--it doesn't get much more bad ass than that.  Plus Black Bolt was pretty cool too.  I remember those episodes a little bit (the ones that featured the Inhumans.  This show lasted only two seasons, much like some of the other bottom-feeders on the list.  This one, however, had only twenty-six episodes.  That's even less than Denver, the Last Dinosaur, for crying out loud! 

Surprised?  You shouldn't be.

# 33 Aladdin: The Series

Score: 41 / 100


Seasons: 3  Episodes: 86


First Aired: 1994 - 1995


I remember watching Aladdin on weekday afternoons; it was my first introduction to the Disney staple (I think).  For a cartoon based upon a movie it was pretty good and had some decent variations in the plot.  Jafar made for a good villain (though he was MUCH more wicked in Kingdom Hearts than in the show or the movie Aladdin).  The reason that this show placed so high was pretty much because of the movie, which got a 10/10.  C'mon--it's a Disney '90s classic!  If you were born in the early 80s then some of your first new movies were Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, and The Lion King. 


Vintage.




# 32 Iron Man


Score: 42 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 26


First Aired: 1994 - 1996


Iron Man was a pretty cool show but was fairly pedestrian as a superhero cartoon, much like the Fantastic Four.  What really set Iron Man apart from the latter is its theme song.  Listen to it--how can this not get you jazzed up?







# 31 Transformers: Beast Wars


Score: 42 / 100


Seasons: 3  Episodes: 52


First Aired: 1996 - 1999


I have a strange relationship with Beast Wars.  When it came on I was just beginning to move away from cartoons but I had always held a special place for Transformers.  The original show had moved to cable (I think the Sci-Fi channel) and, not having cable, I was unable to watch it.  Then Beast Wars came on...unexpectedly (at least for me)...and I was both stunned and hopeful that it would fill the void left by the original Transformers cartoons. 


Maybe my expectations or standards were too high...or maybe it was just that bad...but Beast Wars never could live up to its predecessor.  I collected some of the toys but it just wasn't the same.  I didn't think the animation was all that great, the writing was pretty poor (though there were some funny moments), and the storyline was ultimately weak (despite starting out somewhat strong).  In fact, the best moments of the show were where they crossed over with the original Transformers show (with Starscream's spark and when they find Optimus Prime).  Both the intro and the opening song were terribly half-assed--not a great way to start off a show

# 30 Batman Beyond


Score: 42 / 100


Seasons: 3  Episodes: 52


First Aired: 1999 - 2002


Batman Beyond was one of the only cartoons that I can remember watching while I was in high school.  Granted, I didn't see it much but if I happened to be home and not playing basketball (a rarity in those days) then I might scope out that day's episode.  I think it ran at four o'clock during the week but I'm not entirely sure.  What I do know is that it had one kick-ass opening.


The music really dials in that futuristic feel that the show had; the opening sequence, overall, felt like an animated version of A Clockwork Orange.  How can you not want to watch a show that starts off like this:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVdTbiLku48


The only episode I remember was when the kid playing Batman (Terry McGinnis, evidently) has a school project where he has to keep an egg safe and to treat it like an infant.  Apparently, the episode was called "The Eggbaby" so I guess I was on-point about that.  Anyway, the animation was great--the whole show had a dark, menacing feel to it.  I'm sure that if I was younger when this came out I definitely would've enjoyed it more.

# 29 Taz-Mania


Score: 43 / 100


Seasons: 4  Episodes: 65


First Aired: 1991 - 1995


Taz is arguably every boy's favorite Looney Tunes character (unless you're a front-running Bugs Bunny fan, in which case I say to you: BAAAAAAAAAAAH  BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!) and he was well-deserving of his own spin-off show (get it?  "Spin-Off" Because he does the tornado spin thing?  GET IT!?)  Taken as a whole, the show was actually pretty impressive.  The opening sequence was great as was the intro song.  There was quite an ensemble of characters, including Taz's family, and the artwork was really spot-on.  I would've given the show at least 8 points for the Video Game category that I elected not to include because that Sega game was WICKED!  (The one with Marvin the Martian--MY favorite character).


Listen to Jonathan Davis of Korn doing his best Taz impersonation:







# 28 Exosquad


Score: 44 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 52


First Aired: 1993 - 1994


Exosquad is one of my FAVORITE cartoons that I remember very little from without some prodding.  It was a space-epic G.I. Joe-ish show.  The plot was pretty good and I remember a few of the characters (the good and bad leaders, in particular).  What really made this show stand out was the action figures.  They were smaller than G.I. Joes but they came with these kick-ass exo-suits that were a lot like the thing Sigourney Weaver fights in in the Alien movies.


Speaking of movies, there never was an Exosquad movie...but I had to give it 7 / 10 anyway because I know if they HAD made one it would've been mind-blowingly awesome.


Speculative points FTW!

# 27 The Magic School Bus


Score: 44 / 100


Seasons: 4  Episodes: 52


First Aired: 1994 - 1997


Okay, so if you were born around 1983, grew up in Gerritsen Beach, and went to P.S. 277 for elementary school, the odds are that you were first introduced to The Magic School Bus books through Readers are Leaders AND that you think that Mrs. Frizzle looked a lot like Mrs. Fromhartz, who, coincidentally, had frizzy hair!  This show was great because it was one of those programs that taught you things (science, specifically) without detracting from the overall enjoyment and appeal of the show.  I loved the episode(s?) that involved shrinking the bus down and entering/exploring the human body.  Great, great show.






# 26 Inspector Gadget


Score: 46 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 86


First Aired: 1983 - 1986


♫ Do-do-do-do-do Inspector Gadget! ♫  C'mon--who doesn't remember that theme song?  It was one of the catchiest, most memorable of the '80s cartoons.  Inspector Gadget wasn't much in the way of a hero but he did have some awesome contraptions.  It was cool that you never saw the villain; for what it's worth, Dr. Claw's claw was bad ass as was the castle he was often seen in.  That cat was wicked too.  Unfortunately for Inspector Gadget (like numerous cartoons on this list) they made a live-action movie in 1999 starring Matthew Broderick as the eponymous hero.  They might as well as have casted Brendan Frasier or that Mr. Bean douchebag instead; all three are terrible choices for the Inspector!


True story: this show would've been immensely more bad-ass if it was called "Inspektor Gädget" and Herr Inspektor spoke with a thick, gravelly German accent.




# 25 The Jetsons


Score: 46 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 90


First Aired: 1962 - 1963 (I watched the second run from 1985 - 1987)


This is another one of those "Americana" shows along with the Flintstones and Looney Tunes.  Who doesn't remember the names of all of the characters AND every lyric to the opening song?  The Jetsons inspired us to think big with regards to the future AND they managed to make it at least somewhat plausible: the Jetsons took place in 2062 whereas Transformers (I think) took place in 2010.  Although, to be fair, we are about as equally close to having flying cars as we are to dealing with sentient robots.


The only glaring problem I have with The Jetsons is its lack of memorable episodes.  Can anyone remember a single full episode's plot?  I sure can't.  I just know George's boss was Mr. Cogswell or Cogsworth or something similar.  Still, this cartoon deserves its place among the best.  Plus there was a Jetsons movie that I had no idea about.  It seems legit so I deferred to IMDB, which gave it a 5.1 / 10, so I went with a score of 5.


I am kind and generous, much like Natalie Merchant.







# 24 ThunderCats


Score: 49 - 100


Seasons: 4  Episodes: 130


First Aired: 1985 - 1989


This is definitely a cartoon that holds a special place in my heart.  To begin with, the phrases, "Thundercats-HO!" and "Sword of Omen, give me sight beyond sight!" are etched forever in my heart, especially the latter.





ThunderCats is one of the first cartoons I can ever remember watching--a fact that my Mom can readily attest to.  When I was really, really little I used to run around the house trying to say Lion-O's epic quote...except I couldn't say my esses properly, so it always wound up coming out as, "Hord of Omen Give Me Hight Beyond Hight!"  In order to understand why this recollection makes me and my Mom smile you'll have to realize that I didn't just run around the house saying it...I ran around the house screaming it at the top of my little lungs, as serious as could be.


It's a good thing I don't still speak like that...otherwise it would just seem cruel to laugh.


Anyway, I had only Lion-O, Mumm-Ra, and a bootleg Snark in terms of toys...but they were awesome.  Mumm-Ra (as far as I can recall) was a pretty terrifying dude.  Lion-O was heroic as far as the primary protagonists go...but he DID bear a strange resemblance to...well...you'll see...

# 23 Conan The Adventurer


Score: 49 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 65


First Aired: 1992 - 1993


Conan is another cartoon that benefited greatly from an epic opening sequence.  What hot-blooded, virile, erudite, insouciant, jocund, perspicacious, youthful lad wouldn't feel a throb or two from watching this?





I remembered the plot after watching the above video, especially the parts where Conan gave those lizard dudes their comeuppance.  One thing detracting from the show is the fact that the major antagonist is a BLATANT rip-off of G.I. Joe's Serpentor:

# 22 The Incredible Hulk
Score: 53 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 21


First Aired: 1996 - 1997


There had been an earlier Hulk cartoon in 1982 the but the one I remember was this one.  What I remember most was the fact that it had a really sophisticated feel to the plot; it plucked the heartstrings in ways most superhero cartoons don't (and was almost on par with the X-Men cartoon of the '90s).  I'm surprised it lasted only 21 episodes because it was great.  The primary foe (General Ross) struck me as a blatant rip-off of J. Jonah Jameson from the Spiderman universe.


I was able to give the Hulk only five points for movies, which I think is abundantly fair and equitable.  The first Hulk movie (which I actually liked) got ripped apart by critics and moviegoers alike.  The second incarnation (which I have yet to see) starred the greatest actor of our generation, Mr. Edward Harrison Norton.  I figured if I gave a zero for the crapfest and a perfect ten for the Norton film, it would average out to a five.


Fourth-grade mathematics: it's not just for fourth graders...anymore!

# 21 King Arthur & The Knights of Justice

Score: 57 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 26


First Aired: 1992 - 1993


I've always been a sucker for anything knight-related, especially King Arthur stuff.  As a kid, one of my favorite books was The Castle in the Attic and its sequel The Battle for the Castle.  Many of my epic G.I. Joe battles were medieval in their theme, as were many of the stories I wrote as a kid.  With that said, King Arthur and the Knights of Justice was one AWESOME cartoon.  It combined the traditional elements of Arthurian lore with an updated angle; a group of high school football players are transported to Arthur's time by Merlin in an attempt to help said wizard extricate the original knights from their imprisonment.  Instead of keeping it strictly to a sword-and-shield sort of approach, each of the knights had a magical emblem on their armor or shield that would summon a mystical creature or provide them with some sort of thaumaturgic ability.  The main bad guy was pretty wicked (well, technically the main bad guy was a bad gal--Morgana, Merlin's foil, but her number one henchman was Lord Viper...quite the kick-ass dude). 


They never released a movie for the show but there WAS a video game that I never got the chance to play.  It looked pretty cool from the screen shots so perhaps at some point I will attempt to hit it up.

THE TOP 20

# 20 Dino-Riders


Score: 57 / 100


Seasons: 1   Episodes: 14


First Aired: 1988


Dino-Riders played on another of my interests as a wee lad: dinosaurs.  I feel like every naturalized, inoculated, undefenestrated, young American boy went through the following phases as they grew up (in no particular order): Astronaut/Space; Dinosaurs; Cowboys/Indians; Ninjas; Knights; Magic; and Racecars.  Dino-Riders appealed to a few of these phases.  The premise was awesome: good guys and bad guys modding dinosaurs with kick-ass technology and going to battle.  Every episode seemed to involve the good guys trying to remove the mind-control device on the T-Rex, as seen here around 8:19:





Anyway, the action figures were insanely awesome; the dinosaurs came with the equipment used to control them as well as a small figure of a character from the show. 


Random awesome fact # 1: Frank Welker voices the main baddie; Frankie Welks is the voice of Megatron from the Transformers show.


Random awesome fact # 2: Rex from Toy Story is actually modeled after the T-Rex from Dino-Riders.


http://www.dinoriders.com/Miscellaneous/Toy%20Story%20Rex%20Comparison%203.jpg

# 19 Alvin & The Chipmunks


Score: 57 / 100


Seasons: 8  Episodes: 102


First Aired: 1983 - 1990


Alvin & The Chipmunks are among the most beloved '80s characters and cartoons and is arguably one of the most successful franchises to come out of the decade.  Everyone knows the intro song and is familiar with the Chipmunks' high-pitched singing.  Alvin was the archetypal bad-boy, Simon the nerd, and Theodore the corpulent but congenial chum. 


I don't remember many episodes from the Chipmunks but there is one that I will never forget.  Now there aren't very many villains to contend with from what I recall but the one featured in my unforgettable episode more than makes up for them.  They get ten points for the villain in ONE episode--the only one I can remember vividly: the one where they go looking for their mother. The Chipmunks came to live with Dave when he found them on his doorstep when they were infants.  One day, to settle an argument about their true birthday date, the chipmunks decide to go in search of their long-lost mother.  On their way they are attacked by a wild boar and saved by a hooded stranger (who turns out to be their mother).  That goddamned boar that attacked them was pretty scary to a kid watching this for the first time--especially when it pops up the second time and attacks the house. Worst of all the fucker winds up hurting their Mom really bad. Thankfully he gets his animal kingdom comeuppance when Nature bitchslaps him into the river.




This episode still gets me teary to this day, especially the scene with the Paul Simon song. It's probably because I was afraid MY Mom would get messed up by a boar as a kid. Meaning when I was a kid...not when she was a kid...that would just be silly...to worry about HER getting roughed up by a boar as a kid. Shit. That defies all KINDS of laws of physics: either she was boar-roughed up or she wasn't...right? WRONG! ENTER RICHARD FEYNMAN!


Feynman Histories.  Read up--you'll be glad you did:


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sum-over-paths


Anywho...you can see the episode referenced above here:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fcJWnc0cSI


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FUPLhe9r4c8 
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSjRuv_AA4k&feature=related
 
You're a stone-cold killer if you can watch that lullaby scene near the end of Part 1 and not feel at least a stirring of emotion (of course, Lois Lowry could probably Giver you a pill to fix that!)

# 18 Gargoyles


Score: 59 / 60


Seasons: 3  Episodes: 78


First Aired: 1994 - 1997


Gargoyles was an awesome show for a number of reasons.  First, the characters were straightforward and easy to get behind right away.  Goliath was Optimus Prime-esque in his leadership qualities and made for a great primary hero.  Though villain-wise, the show was a bit weak...it involved Avalon, magic, Gargoyles, technology, and human collaboration.  What more could you ask for?


Oh, I don't know...how about Bill Fagerbakke (Tom Cullen from "The Stand" and Dauber on "Coach"), Ed Asner (from EVERYTHING AWESOME), and Frank Welker...again.


The most awesome episode I can remember is a two-parter that had some dude (I think it was Macbeth) becoming gigantic and stopping time...or some such thing.  Very cool stuff. 

# 17 Tiny Toon Adventures


Score: 60 / 100


Seasons: 3  Episodes: 100 (98 plus 2 specials)


First Aired: 1990 - 1992


Tiny Toons was a technically perfect cartoon; it had everything you could ask for.  It was funny, had great songs and music, had phenomenal characters and artwork, it was based upon a previous foundation of success (i.e. Looney Tunes).  What really hurt the show in terms of my list is the fact that there were no action figures, movies, or solid villains (Elmyra and that other weiner kid?)  Who didn't love Plucky Duck's "I want to flush it again" or the interplay of Buster and Babs?  Baby Taz ruled too! 


Tiny Toons = the lovechild of Muppet Babies & Looney Tunes. 


You can take that to the bank.

# 16 The Real Ghostbusters


Score: 62 / 100


Seasons: 7  Episodes: 147


First Aired: 1986 - 1991


Another one of the holy trilogy (or perhaps quintology) of cartoon franchises from the '80s.  The success of the film launched the cartoon, which, in turn, launched just about everything else Ghostbusters-related that came thereafter.  It was almost as if, in the beginning, God created Ghostbusters the movie but saw that it was without form and void...yada yada...and then said, "Let there be Ghostbusters the cartoon" and there was Ghostbusters the cartoon and God saw the cartoon and that it was good...and then he made a bowl of microwave popcorn and sat down to watch that shit!


Anywho, there are almost too many awesome things about Ghostbusters to count.  The logo is amazing and speaks for itself.  Seriously--they should have included it on that disc they sent out into space--it's THAT identifiable.  The characters are great and the adversaries are even better.  Slimer is like an illiterate ghost-Yoda...which is still awesome.  You know why?  Because without Slimer there'd be no:


http://www.x-entertainment.com/articles/0822/8.jpg


I can't imagine a single kid not wanting to be a Ghostbuster at least once between '86 and '91.  Hell, you still see Ghostbuster costumes today!  Maybe it's not because of the cartoon...per se...but it could be.  I remember asking for Ghostbusters toys for either my third or fourth birthday, getting up early on my special day, and opening up my first Ghostbusters toy, which was a hand-held viewfinder type toy that projected different pictures of ghosts onto the wall.  Who didn't want the Ghost Trap and Proton Pack as a kid???


Also one of the most amazing theme songs EVER.  I mean, it stood up on its own as a single--what could possibly be cooler than that?


This: 


The only thing that sucked about Ghostbusters was the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.  Seriously?  THAT'S the face of your villains?


I mean, really, who's afraid of the big-bad-Michelin-Tire-Man?


Utterly reprehensible.


To make up for it, here's a recipe for an alcoholic version of Ecto Cooler:


2 oz Midori® melon liqueur




1/2 oz Blue Curacao liqueur


1/2 oz Southern Comfort® peach liqueur
1/2 oz vodka


Splash amaretto almond liqueur


4 oz Tropicana Orange/Tangerine Juice




# 15 King of the Hill


Score: 62 / 100


Seasons: 13  Episodes: 259


First Aired: 1997 - 2010


King of the Hill was one of the few shows that I watched religiously when I was in high school.  The Hill family gave me many great moments to impersonate; I had most of the first two or three seasons memorized.  I still remember a ton of episodes from this show.  It's funny because it doesn't really stand out as anything special...but I loved it right out of the gate.  I still remember the Snipe hunt, all of the John Redcorn/Nancy/Dale moments, Dale menacing Peggy, Peggy's shoe size being revealed, Peggy winding up in a foot fetish video (no, not THIS one:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uc12hTXRv4&has_verified=1), and tons of other great moments.


Surprisingly, there was never a King of the Hill movie...but I still had to give it points in the movie category.  Hank Hill's predecessor DID appear in Beavis & Butthead Do America (an oft underrated and overlooked cinematic masterpiece) shortly before KotH came out. My first Hank Hill impersonation came as a result of that character. His name was Tom Anderson and his exchange with Beavis is as follows:




Tom Anderson: What in the hell is that damn noise?


[goes inside his camper and sees Beavis]


Tom Anderson: What?


Beavis: Hey, how's it going?


Tom Anderson: Pull your damn pants up, boy! I don't want to see that. Damn it, get out of here!


Tom Anderson: [throws Beavis out of camper] And if I ever catch you whacking in here again, I'm gonna hogtie you.
 
It's not that Tom Anderson...but would you really be that surprised if it was?
 

# 14 Scooby-Doo


Score: 64 / 100


Seasons: 23  Episodes: 381


First Aired: (Watched in the 1980s)


Okay...it's just ridiculous how many different Scooby Doo shows they've had.  I really had no way of narrowing down which one it was that I saw as a kid, so I'm leaving the general information for the franchise as a whole.  Scooby-Doo (whichever one it was) was one of those shows that had no overarching plot but rather followed the same format each episode: some sort of mystery is encountered and is attempted to be solved by the team of Scooby, Shaggy, Freddie, Daphne, and Velma.  The darker, mysterious characters are often meant to mislead the heroes (and, more specifically, the viewers) into thinking that one of them is the interloper.  By the end, the mystery is solved (usually but not always by Velma) and the true villain is revealed.


I always loved the theme song but the reason this show is as high on the list as it is is because it generated one of my nicknames that my parents used for me as a kid.  Sentimental value, let's call it.


Again, there was a live-action movie that I never saw but I'm starting to wish I did.  The cast featured some of the best young talent around (at the time) including Freddie Prinze, Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar, and Matthew Lillard.  Unfortunately, it also starred Rowan Atkinson (a.k.a. the Mr. Bean douchebag).


The universe has a way of balancing itself out though...since it ALSO starred Isla Fisher.  Good Lord that woman is gorgeous.  Did you SEE her in Wedding Crashers?  And she's married to Borat.  BORAT for crying out loud!

# 13 Looney Tunes


Score: 65 / 100


Seasons, Episodes, First Aired: ???


I'm sorry...my mind is still trying to wrap itself around the fact that that hairy beast gets to tup that ivory beauty.  Ugh.


Anyway...I'm pretty sure that Looney Tunes was watched by EVERY kid in America, almost without regard for what decade that kid grew up in.  I remember Looney Tunes being on on Sundays but I'm sure it was on every day.  It was the most ubiquitous cartoon out there and featured every awesome character we all grew up with this side of the Disney border.  Whether it was Bugs and Elmer, Sylvester and Tweey, Daffy, Taz, Porky Pig...every episode was awesome.  My favorite one involved Sylvester being Porky's pet cat and them stopping to spend the night at a creepy looking castle/house/hotel.


ULTRA-vintage!

# 12 Spider-Man


Score: 68 / 100


Seasons: 5  Episodes: 65


First Aired: 1994 - 1998


This was a GREAT superhero cartoon--one of the best, to date.  Joe Perry performed the intro theme song, which is awesome.  It didn't stand out as doing anything fantastic or different with the franchise but what it did do was create a kick-ass animated rendition of the Spiderworld.  The Venom and later Carnage episodes were beyond amazing.




# 11 DuckTales

Score: 70 / 100


Seasons: 4  Episodes: 100


First Aired: 1987 - 1990


DuckTales had so many awesome elements to it.  Huey, Dewey, and Louie were like the counterparts/rivals of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore...and who didn't love Launchpad McQuack?  The Scrooge/Magica De Spell dynamic was great, as was the inclusion of Ma Beagle and the Beagle Boys (reminiscent of the evil family in The Gonies).  Bubba the Caveduck kicked ass as did Gyro Gearloose (especially in the video game version of the DuckTales--a quintessential Nintendo game!)  The DuckTales theme song is instantly recognizable and almost impossible not to sing along with if you know the words (especially the "Woo-ooh" parts...it's compulsory to sing those bits, just like performing air drums when the drums kick in at 3:16 into Phil Collins' mega-hit "In The Air Tonight."  Don't believe me?  Ask Alan's face:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TbnXqhHJkk  )


I'll never forget the episode that dealt with inflation.  I can still picture the boys wheeling a wheelbarrow full of money just go buy a lollipop!  Imagine that?  I know...it sounds ridiculous, doesn't it?  Oh...wait...


Plus, the DuckTales movie was EPIC!  I still remember the penguin girl and the colorful scarf.  I wanna watch that movie again now lol


Acoustic rendition of the DuckTales theme:

THE TOP TEN!!!
or
THE GOLDEN STANDARD

# 10 Animaniacs

Score: 70 / 100

Seasons: 5  Episodes: 99

First Aired: 1993 - 1998

Wow...Animaniacs.  It was like Looney Tunes taken to the next level (you hear that Tiny Toons?  ANIMANIACS took it to the next level.  SUCK IT!)  The cast of characters was expansive and unforgettable, not to mention the characters in one-off skits.  It was like The Three Stooges meets Weekend Update meets Histeria! meets The Magic School Bus meets any other awesome cartoon that fits but that I cannot remember.  Plus it made water towers relevant again.

Seriously though--do you have any idea how many awesome characters there were?  You had Yakko, Wakko, Dot, Dr. Otto von Scratchansniff, Hello Nurse (she could've been on the cover of "Enema of the State"!), Ralph the security guard, Slappy & Skippy Squirrel, the Goodfeathers (Bobby, Squit, and Pesto), Rita and Runt, Buttons and Mindy, Chicken Boo, Katie Ka-Boom, and PINKY AND THE FREAKIN' BRAIN (not to mention Snowball, Millie, and Pharfignewton).

Now, naturally, Pinky & The Brain were my favorite (as I would imagine they were pretty much everyone's favorites) supporting characters and I looked forward to each episode that featured them.  Imagine my exhilarated enthusiasm when I found out they were going to have their own show...

...except I forgot about the Starburst principle.  I kinda just made up the name but I've had the principle in mind for awhile.  Anyway...what's everyone's favorite original Starburst flavor?  I bet you didn't even finish reading that question before you answered either "The Pink One" or "Strawberry."  And you'd be right.  The next question is, "Who hasn't, at one point or another, looked at a pack of Starburst and thought, 'Damn, I sure wish there were more pink/strawberry ones; they should come out with a pack of JUST the strawberry ones!'"  The answer is no one; EVERYONE who has eaten Starburst has had that thought (and thought that it was their own streak of genius).  Those self-same people undoubtedly sighed, chalking it up to a pipe dream...but it DID happen.  For awhile (assuming they still don't have it now) they released a special ALL strawberry pack of Starburst.

...and you know what?

It sucked.

You know why?

Too much of a good thing.

Ditto for Pinky & The Brain.  You needed the other flavors/characters to bolster and sustain the awesomeness of the pink/strawberry/Pinky & the Brain.

Animaniacs also solidified Rob Paulsen as arguably the best voice actor of cartoons aired in the '90s.  He was the voice of Mighty Max and literally SCORES of other unforgettable cartoon characters including Raphael from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Here's but a small sample of the shows that he's been featured on:

Animaniacs

Batman: The Animated Series

Biker Mice from Mars

Darkwing Duck

Ducktales

Freakazoid!

Gargoyles

G.I. Joe

Goof Troop

Handy Manny

Histeria!

Mighty Max

Spider-Man

Sonic the Hedgehog

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron

The Smurfs

The Snorks

The Tick

Transformers

Tiny Toon Adventures

I've mentioned Frank Welker a few times so far.  Let's look at a sampling of his voice-acting chops:

Aladdin

Alvin and the Chipmunks

Animaniacs

Batman: The Animated Series

Batman Beyond

Bobby's World

Bonkers

Challenge of the GoBots

Darkwing Duck

Dino-Riders

DuckTales

Freakazoid!

G.I. Joe

Garfield and Friends

Gargoyles

Goof Troop

Histeria!

Inspector Gadget

The Jetsons

Muppet Babies

Mighty Max

The Real Ghostbusters

Scooby-Doo

The Simpsons

The Smurfs

The Snorks

Sonic the Hedgehog

Tiny Toon Adventures

Transformers

Tom and Jerry

Notice anything the bold cartoons have in common?  Exactly.  Rob Paulsen & Frank Welker FTW!

To finish off the Animaniacs section with a happy ending...one of the best parts of the show was the awesome songs they had.  I remember killing time in the library in high school memorizing the Countries of the World song.  Below are links to some of my favorite tunes from the show:

The Nations of the World:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDtdQ8bTvRc

The Names of All Fifty States and Their Capitols:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNUDDaEOvuY

All the words in the English language:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Etjd0lEpkk

Schnitzelbank:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FI3tGgD4nMk

# 09 Mighty Max

Score: 75 / 100

Seasons: 2  Episodes: 40

First Aired: 1993 - 1994

Mighty Max is a show that I liked when I watched it but that I've grown to love and appreciate even more since then.  The themes explored in each episode were really sophisticated, looking back.  I remember a bunch of different episodes but there are four that really stand out.  The two final episodes were just amazing and are among the best cartoon episodes of any action-ish animated show I've ever seen.  There was one episode that involved a megalomaniac genius taking evolution to the furthest degree possible (a pretty complex concept to tackle in a cartoon!).  I also remember an episode that dealt with the astral plane.  That one stuck with me and came to mind numerous times in later years as I explored the concept on my own.

Trivia Moment: that astral plane Mighty Max episode actually influenced part of my both of my novels: The Lion in the Desert and my second novel, The Walking Ghosts.

The premise for the show was pretty cool and appealed to any young boy dreaming of being special and imbued with magic and meaning.  The toys were pretty good and apparently preceded the show.  The only lame aspect of that is that the toys were a male version of the Polly Pocket toys...but the voice acting in the cartoon MORE than made up for it.  I mean, look at this cast:

Rob Paulsen (Max)

Richard Moll (Norman)    

Tim Curry (Skullmaster)

Tony Jay (Virgil)

Frank Welker (Warmonger)

Tress MacNeille (Max's Mom)

We've covered Rob Paulsen & Frank Welker already, Richard Moll played Bull on Night Court (the second Night Court star to appear on this list!), Tress MacNeille is of Simpsons renown, Tony Jay sounds like Shakespeare himself...and then there's the guy who played Skullmaster.  No joke, Frank Welker is AMAZING...but Tim Curry might just be the creepiest dude on the planet.  I mean, sure, Frankie Welks voices some wicked bad guys including Megatron...but, jeez, just LOOK at who Tim Curry has played:

Feeling brave?  Then enjoy!

# 08 Dragon Ball Z

Score: 75 / 100


Seasons: N/A  Episodes: 291


First Aired: (US) 1999 - 2003


Dragon Ball Z was the only cartoon that I watched RELIGIOUSLY in high school.  My best friend had cable and he would tape the episodes and then lend me the VHS or we'd watch the show together.  At the time, we were practicing martial arts with some regularity so watching the show served only to get us more pumped.


No joke--I don't think there has ever been a more exciting cartoon; it was like a testosterone explosion...multiplied by a million...and then taken to Super Saiyan proportions.  You'd be watching one of those fight scenes and would have to punch or destroy something just to release the build-up of manly energy inside of you.  Plus, each new storyline literally and figuratively took the show to new levels...


...it was AWESOME.


The video games were phenomenal, the action figures were excellent to collect given the long-standing history of the franchise and thus quality of the memorabilia, and the characters in the show were unforgettable.  I loved that there was constantly newer, bigger, badder enemies that forced the heroes to improve themselves as well.  Plus their names are all based on inane things like vegetables and underwear.


Japanese humor FTW!


Just a note: I gave DBZ a score of 75 / 100.  I gave the franchise a PERFECT score in the movies category...for the animated movies.  Unfortunately, they also released a live action film.  How could they have not known that it would be a terrible idea unless done perfectly?  Seriously--making a live action film version of Dragon Ball Z is just like doing the same for Stephen King's Dark Tower franchise: it has to be flawless otherwise it will get destroyed.  I wound up giving that ABORTION of a disasterpiece live action movie -20 because I had to. 


Imagine what that score could have been without that movie?

# 07 The Simpsons


Score: 82 / 100


Seasons: 22  Episodes: 474


First Aired: 1989 - Present


The Simpsons is arguably the greatest cartoon of all time and is certainly one of, if not the longest, lasting show out there.  Its ability to incorporate elements of pop culture and politics as well as a broad range of comedic stylings and devices renders it as an animated version of SNL.  Think about it--being "Simpsonized" as a guest character is on a comparable level as appearing as a guest host on SNL; both lists would read as a "Who's Who" of 20th and 21st century American (and in some cases, global) public figures.


I'll bet you can easily name at least twenty characters from the show off the top of your head without even trying.  Maybe even thirty.  How many other shows can you say that about?


Okay, money where my mouth is: Homer, Bart, Marge, Lisa, Maggie, Santa's Little Helper, Snowball (any of them), Ned Flanders, Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders, Mr. Burns, Mr. Smithers, Carl, Moe, Police Chief Wiggum, Ralph Wiggum, Millhouse, Nelson, Cletus, Superintendent Chaumers, Principal Skinner, Bleeding Gums Murphy, Comic Book Shop Guy, Rainier Wolfcastle, Pimply Faced Teen, Apu, Patty, Selma, Troy McLure (R.I.P.), Kent Brockman.


Didn't even break a sweat.


My favorite part about the Simpsons has always been the Treehouse of Horror Halloween specials.  They've taken a BUNCH of material from the Twilight Zone (one of my top five favorite shows of all time) and I loved the alien characters. 


The Simpsons have withstood the test of time...but it's starting to feel like they've overstayed their welcome.  I would use the Rolling Stones or The Who as an example...but I have a better one: Brett Favre.  20 something seasons for both the player and the show, legions of fans, plenty of controversy (remember the writers demanding more money years ago?), both have had videos of themselves getting hit in the nuts by a football.


Interestingly enough, Brett Favre has never been featured on the Simpsons.


Coincidence?


Maybe not.


Side note: I'm about to start reading Stephen King's Under the Dome and I can't help but wonder whether he got his idea from the Simpsons movie...or if it's the other way around...or, even stranger, if they've been able to exist completely separate from one another!

# 06 Batman: The Animated Series


Score: 85 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 85


First Aired: 1992 - 1995


This was far and away one of the most dark, suspenseful, amazing cartoons of its time.  I remember so many moments from the show, especially with the enemies Man-Bat and Clayface.  When the latter died in an episode I realized it was the first time I had ever seen a character actually die in a cartoon before.  The Mr. Freeze story was done really well too; they knew how to pluck the heartstrings with that one.


This was my first introduction to the DC world of Batman as a kid.  I never collected comics until only recently when Stephen King and Marvel teamed up to release graphic novels of a number of his works, so my knowledge of all things Marvel / DC came from cartoons rather than the printed page.  The characters' storylines were brought to life in the cartoon with great artistic skill and even better dialogue writing (think 1960s Adam West Batman...and then go to the exact opposite end of the spectrum).  Plus, just about every villain really holds his or her own.  Look at this list: 


The Joker (voiced by Mark Hamill.  Yeah, THAT Mark Hamill!)
The Penguin
Catwoman
The Riddler
Mr. Freeze
Two-Face (Richard Moll again holllllaaaaaa!)
Poison Ivy
Harley Quinn
The Scarecrow
Killer Croc
The Mad Hatter
Clayface
Man-Bat
and the best of them all: Ra's al Ghul.


The storytelling was great, the music was great, the action figures were phenomenal.  An all-around fantastical piece of animation.

# 05 Muppet Babies

Score: 87 / 100

Seasons: 8  Episodes: 107

First Aired: 1984 - 1991

When I started this list I knew that the Muppet Babies would be near the top but I wasn't sure of how high it would be; I think it's a perfect start to the top five.  This was my ALL-TIME favorite show as a little kid.  I loved Gonzo first, then Kermit, then Fozzy, Rowlf, Animal, Beaker, Bunsen, Scooter, Skeeter, and Miss Piggy (I know, I know--it seems like a misogynistic list but it's just how it worked out.  Nothing against puppets with vaginas--I LOVED Avenue Q!)

The show had no overarching plot but rather followed how the babies' wild imaginations and infantile/toddleresque perspective of the world would influence their approaches to a variety of problems or situations such as overcoming a fear of the dark, deciding what to be when they grow up, and imagining what a trip to an amusement park might be like.  In essence, Bobby's World stole its premise from the Muppet Babies.

Now you would think that, having no natural predators, the Muppet Babies would be scored low in the Villains category...but you'd be wrong in your cogitation.  The reality is quite to the contrary: I gave them a 10 / 10 for Villains.  Why?  One word:  Nanny.  What's creepier than a striped-sock wearing giant lady whose face you NEVER SEE a single time in 107 episodes?

Nothing!


How awesome are the Muppet Babies?  In an upcoming film, Animal goes to anger management rehab and one DAVID ERIC GROHL sits in on the skins for him.  That's how bad ass Animal and his muppet pals are.


Dave Fucking Grohl.


Little Known Fact about Me: I once received a Rock-and-Roll enema courtesy of Dr. G himself once.

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Dave Grohl...or Jesus?  That's right!  There's no difference.

Don't believe me?  http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/news/general_music_news/dave_grohl_is_a_godlike_genius.html

Original photo uploaded to http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/0e/Dave-Grohl.jpg  by Leahtwosaints  

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Leahtwosaints

# 04 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Score: 89 / 100

Seasons: 10  Episodes: 193

First Aired: 1987 - 1996

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Heroes in a half-shell!)--was there a bigger franchise to come out of the '80s?  (Maybe, but more on that later).  Everyone had their favorite turtle (I was a Raphael and Donatello guy early on, adding Leo into the mix later on) and bad guy.  The Shredder is one of the top cartoon villains of all time...Mr. Oroku Saki himself. 

TMNT was easily the most balanced franchise in terms of its forays into different media and venues; everything that TMNT touched (early on) was gold.  Great cartoon with solid characters, tons of action, a coherent and awesome storyline?  Check.  Strong comic book presence?  Check.  GREAT line of action figures?  Check.  Phenomenal trilogy of movies?  Check.  Some of the best side-scrolling/action video games in the history of the genre?  Check!!!   

The first Ninja Turtles game for the NES is one of the hardest games ever made; the second TMT game--"The Arcade Game" is one of the best.  The third game was decent but the fourth "Turtles in Time" is easily one of my all-time favorite games.

All three movies were great and involved animatronic live-action acting.  Frickin' A!!!  

# 03 X-Men


Score: 92 / 100


Seasons: 5  Episodes: 76


First Aired: 1992 - 1997


X-Men was my first introduction to the awesomeness that is Wolverine, Cyclops, Magneto, Sabretooth, Apocalypse, Archangel, and the scores of characters from the Marvel universe.  The storyline was great and somewhat steady (returning to earlier conflicts or unresolved issues in later episodes) while exploring microcosmic stories such as the love triangle between Wolverine/Jean Grey/Cyclops or the rivalry between Professor X and Magneto. 


As would be expected from a Marvel show, the artwork was truly stellar.  The writing was great and the music really added much to the show; it was virtually perfect on the visual, intellectual, and auditory levels.  Everything about the show made it worth watching...over and over and over again.


The action figure line associated with the show is one of my all-time favorite; I still have a huge collection of toys that I will pass down to Timmy when he's old enough either to play with them or at least to appreciate them.  I had almost all eight incarnations of Wolverine as well as the old / new versions of most of the other X-Men. 


The show worked very well on an emotional level as well as on an entertainment and marketing ones.  You really felt for Rogue knowing that she could never love the way she would want to; you understood Wolverine's rage; and you were inspired by Professor X's altruism and idealistic nature.


I'm definitely looking forward to re-watching these episodes with Timmy when he's older; I hope he'll be as into them as I was (and probably still am!) 


Watching X-Men was like seeing a comic book come to life.

# 02 G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero


Score: 99 / 100


Seasons: 2  Episodes: 95


First Aired: 1985 - 1987


G.I. Joe was, perhaps, the ideal cartoon for any little boy growing up in the '80s.  It had action, drama, suspense, mystery, action, romance, action, ninjas, Sgt. Slaughter, and action; the only thing that it lacked was bacon...but that's a separate issue.


G.I. Joe had some great heroes (screw Flint and Duke and all of the other frontrunners--I'm talking about bad-ass mofos like Roadblock, Gung-Ho...and Sgt. Slaughter) but C.O.B.R.A. had some really [insert superlative here] villains.  Cobra Commander and Destro were alright...but I'm talking Serpentor, Dr. Mindbender, Golobulus, Nemesis Enforcer, Cobra Ninja Viper, the Python Patrol, Night Creeper, Night Creeper Leader...oh yeah...


and Storm Shadow.


What toy was more coveted as a boy in the late '80s than the original Storm Shadow? 


Then, of course, there was Snake Eyes.  I can't think of a more kick-ass rivalry than the one these two shared.  Granted, you have Optimus/Megatron and Wolverine/Sabretooth...but come on...Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes.  Any episode that either of those dudes were in was unbelievable.


The best parts about the series, though, are the movie and the action figures.  The movie was great and introduced a completely new enemy in the Cobra-La sect.  It also had some pretty epic moments.  It was definitely an animated-cinematographic highlight of the time.


But let's be real...the real draw was the toys.  They were the perfect size and had the perfect amont of poseability to render them, truly, the perfect action figures.  They came with awesome accessories (and the occasional animal sidekick); even the packaging was great, giving biographical information for each figure.


I know it might seem odd to be so enthusiastic about these action figures...but I spent the great deal of my childhood playing with them, having them engage in epic battles or going on seemingly never-ending quests.


G.I. Joe gave me hours of enjoyment, whether it was watching the show or the movie, playing with the toys, or reading up about them, it really was one of the defining shows of my childhood...

# 01 Transformers

Score: 100 / 100

Seasons: 4  Episodes: 98

First Aired: 1984 - 1987

...but it wasn't THE defining show; that honor goes to Transformers.  Far and away the coolest cartoon ever and the greatest collection of action figures as well as an amazing movie.  The theatrical Transformers film was Orson Welles' final body of work before his death.  It also had a wicked song called "The Touch." 

I remember damn near every Transformers character and can recall tons of episodes.  Much like G.I. Joe, though, the best part about the show was its line of toys.  Transformers were the first toy that actually made you think; instead of just smashing them together you had to figure out how to transform them (and of course doing so was half the fun.  I probably made that transforming noise a million times when I was a kid!)  You had the primary characters from the show, then ones that combined into even bigger robots, and then gigantic bases (and even more gigantic bases, towards the end). 

The realistic design of the toys lent to their awesomeness, as did the sheer variety of Transformers characters.  You had cars, trucks, jets, dinosaurs, insects, mythical creatures, futuristic space things...and finally, recently, whole planets. 

How much of an impression did Transformers leave on me as a kid?  I waited almost twenty years for them to come out with a Unicron action figure and when I finally found it last year, I bought it in ebay.  It was expensive and I knew I'd never play with it...but I knew I had to have it; it fulfilled a childhood dream.

The show also featured a worthy adversary to Frank Welker: Peter Cullen--the voice of Optimus Prime.

The storyline of the show was flawless (unless you want to dock points for them not setting it far enough into the future, which I could understand) and seemed to get ever more expansive as the show continued to grow in terms of its cast and its scope.

Look at the success that the Transformers franchise has had, almost thirty years since its appearance on American television.  It's spawned numerous successful cartoon incarnations since the original show ended, it's launched two blockbuster films (with another one on the way), it's released wave after wave of timeless toys (indeed the '80s Transformers toys could stand up to the current assortment available today), and, in defiance of common thinking about franchises, it seems to have grown in popularity since the original show ended.  Sure, other franchises have attempted similar comebacks (TMNT and G.I. Joe among them)...but it's often forced by the suits seeking to turn a profit and thus said comebacks ultimately fall flat among consumers; not the Transformers though.

This is the greatest cartoon ever aired and is one I hope my son will cherish as much as I have throughout my life!

*~FIN~*

Well, not really.  I know what some of you are thinking.  If you're a female reader who fits the demographic age group I set out at the beginning, I'm sure there are numerous cartoons whose exclusion you are stunned by.  Of course, if you're a male who fits the demographic, I'm sure you're thinking one, if not two things:

Where the fuck is He-Man and/or Voltron?

Simple: I never got into either.  I missed the Voltron boat and just never watched He-Man.  I think I had a Skeletor was the only He-Man figure I had growing up...and it never struck me as anything special.

If you're more of a '90s kid, you might be wondering where Beavis & Butthead are on the list (or Ren & Stimpy, or any other similar show).  My response is simple: I didn't get cable until high school (almost the end, actually) so I had missed most of the cable cartoons and had outgrown them by the time I was able to watch Cartoon network.

There are two things that I need to mention though regarding two shows that didn't make the list.

Captain Planet and South Park are the two worst cartoons in the history of television.  Captain Planet appealed to some, I'm sure, but I absolutely hated it.  I don't remember why but I know I had a visceral response to seeing it on television--I abhorred it that much.

Then there's South Park. 

I've never seen a bigger piece of animated shit in my entire life; I've actually felt myself getting dumber every second I've wasted watching that show (thank God it's probably totaled sixty seconds or so, at most).  The animation (if you can call it that) is piss-poor terrible.  I know it's meant to be shitty but it really goes above and beyond.  The characters are obnoxious, the voices are even worse, and the various premises used on the show are ridiculous.  I know there's a HUGE following for South Park out there and I suppose it just comes down to a matter of taste.  I can't stand the show but I understand its relevance and importance (much to my chagrin) in terms of pop culture; it's almost on a level with the Simpsons but is probably closer to Family Guy in terms of its relevancy.

Speaking of--the only reason Family Guy wasn't included is that I didn't actually start watching it until 2004 or 2005 so I couldn't include it in the list.  My guess, though, is that it definitely would've landed in the top 25 if not higher.  Come on--what other cartoon has dared to have a character play Marco Polo with Helen Keller!?

Brilliant.

Happy New Year

Just wishing everyone a safe New Year's Eve and a wonderful New Year in 2011!

The Development of a Favorite Sports Team

It's no secret: I hate the New York Knicks.  I also hate Patrick Ewing, in particular (no surprise there).  Naturally, I have my favorite and preferred teams...but the funny thing is, there aren't very many teams that I dislike enough to root against; there are even fewer that I loathe with depthless abhorrence (see: New York Knicks and Philadelphia Phillies).  A recent conversation with my buddy Cosmo and pitcher Cliff Lee's decision to sign with the Phillies have made me reflect on just why I feel the way that I do about these teams and, specifically, how team preferences are born.

The first sports team that I ever knew anything about was the New York Mets.  My Dad is a Mets fan and my first baseball game, unsurprisingly, was a Mets game at Shea Stadium.  I've always looked up to my Dad and so it's no surprise that the Mets became my favorite baseball team.  The interesting thing here though is that my Dad's not a terribly huge sports fan (by comparison--some men live and die by their teams, wear various team paraphernalia throughout the year, and watch or attend games religiously) but his interest in the Mets was enough to get me on board.  Though I attended far more Yankees games with friends and family members than Mets games through the years, my dedication to the latter never wavered.

Speaking of the Yankees, you would think that I would hate them because I root for the Mets...but that's not how I roll (nor is it how I've rolled throughout the years).  I remember lying on my parents' loveseat in the living room in 1996 holding my breath as the ball sailed skyward with Charlie Hayes trailing beneath it, ultimately catching it and giving the Yankees their first World Series victory of my lifetime.  I was thrilled; it was the first post-season experience I can remember having and I'll never forget the buzz and excitement in the city and in school over the whole run that the Yankees had that year; my Dad wouldn't be caught dead rooting for the Yankees.

I've grown up in a kinder, gentler time of baseball fandom.  My Dad's generation (and that before his) employed an "us or them" mentality when it came to rooting for teams.  First of all, you rooted local--there was no question there.  Second, you had exactly three choices: you rooted for the Giants, you rooted for the Dodgers, or you rooted for the Yankees; that was IT!  In fact, many Mets fans became such solely because the Giants and Dodgers left town and they had no other choice (because once you went Giant or Dodger you NEVER ever went Yankee).

I've never been one to follow the crowd and I think that's what has led to my selection of favorite teams.  The Mets aside, I have quite the eclectic mix of preferred teams but I also have rational explanations for my selections.  Let's start with baseball.  I am a Mets fan who enjoys post-season baseball and thus I will root for the Yankees in October and November.  My favorite player growing up was Gary Carter because he looked like a character from my then-favorite show (Mark Lynn Baker from "Perfect Strangers"--it was probably just the curly hair).  The only team I can't stand in baseball is the Phillies; the only player, Jimmy Rollins.  He's an arrogant prick and he plays for a team that likes to think that they are the Yankees of the National League.  It's funny what one World Series run will do to a team, isn't it?

Football is next and is perhaps the most bizarre in terms of my preferred teams.  My favorite team is the Minnesota Vikings and has been since I was a kid.  The reason (as far as I remember) is because they were featured frequenly on the television show "Coach."  I don't remember what drew me to them, in particular, but I know that when I first started getting into football I rooted religiously for the Vikes.  My second favorite team is the Carolina Panthers, though my reasoning here is a little more disjointed.  See, as a kid, I was always a sucker for expansion teams; I thought it was the coolest thing when a new team would come into existence.  It's why I rooted for the Marlins and Rockies (I out grew it by the time the Rays and Diamondbacks came about), the Raptors and Grizzlies, and the Panthers and Jaguars.  Though I rooted for all of these teams, I wasn't necessarily a fan, per se, nor were they vaunted into my realm of favorites...at least none except the Panthers.  That didn't happen until Jake Delhomme became their quarterback.  I loved the way he played and when they made their Super Bowl run in 2003/2004 and was crushed when they lost to the Patriots.  Interestingly enough, Jake Delhomme still holds the record for the longest past in Super Bowl history (85 yards) and has a plaque for it at the Hall of Fame in Canton.

My Dad has been a huge Denver Broncos fan for time out of mind.  John Elway will forever be my favorite quarterback and I have a special place in my heart for the Broncos.  Seeing them FINALLY win it all and my Dad's satisfaction as a result was a truly remarkable experience.  It was my first experience with having someone's "team" go all the way.  Though I obtained my gratification vicariously, it was still a thrilling experience nonetheless.

The only NFL team that I hate with a passion is the New York Giants.  I hate them almost as much as the Knicks...and for almost the exact same reasons (the similarities are eerie in their quantity and type).  I must first explain which teams are my favorites in the NBA as this will help set up the Knicks/Giants explanation.  I first got into basketball in 1995/1996.  Someone had told me of a player named Muggsy Bogues who was five-foot-three--the same height that I was at the time.  I couldn't believe that a player that short was able to play and have some degree of success in the NBA.  It gave my burgeoning hoop dreams new life; if he could do it, then maybe I could too!  Bogues played for the Charlotte Hornets and I became an instant fan of the team.  I liked the colors, the mascot, and, eventually, the other players (Alonzo Mourning, Larry Johnson, Dell Curry, and Glen Rice to name but a few). 

The first full season that I was into basketball (following it daily) was the 1996/1997 season.  The Hornets made the playoffs and I was stoked beyond belief.  They were favored to do well in the playoffs, finishing third in the Central Division behind Michael Jordan's Chicago Bulls and the Atlanta Hawks.  Things were looking great...until the playoffs started.  The Hornets' first-round matchup was with the Knicks...who swept them 3-0 to take the round.  I was crestfallen.  I had never had a team that I rooted for so fervently make it to the post-season (the Mets and Vikings had little in the way of sustained success between when I started rooting for them and that point in time). 

As I tried to soak it in I was stunned.  More than that I was crushed; the Knicks had ripped my heart out and stomped all over it with Patrick Ewing leading the way.  Then, something funny happened.  I broke out of my emotional coma and found that I was filled with rage--an unquenchable fire that demanded justice.  Enter the Miami Heat.  Aside from the Vikings, there is no other team that I root for with as much enthusiasm and dedication as I do than the Heat.  Anyway, at the time, my best friend was a big Knicks fan (he still supports them but not with nearly as much interest) and seeing his smug glee at the Knicks advancing made me want to see his team lose that much harder.  And not just lose but to be eviscerated--embarrassed and shamed off the court. 

Again...enter the Miami Heat.  From the very first moment of the Eastern Conference Semifinals I knew that Miami was going to be my team.  Stating the obvious, they were the next to face the Knicks and thus had the first chance to avenge the honor of my fallen Hornets.  Alonzo Mourning (a former Hornet) was on the Heat, which definitely helped me to like them more...and then there was Tim Hardaway.  At that point in time, basketball was becoming my life.  I was playing after I finished my homework every day, squeezing as much time in as I could.  By the time I got to high school I was playing anywhere from three to five hours a night during the week and then twelve to eighteen hours on the weekend (more than forty hours a week).  I would play in the rain, I would play in the snow, I would play in the dark.  I played hurt (I've shot more one-handed three points due to left wrist/elbow/shoulder injuries than I think anyone else alive!) and I've played sick.  I figured that, the more adverse the conditions, the better the challenge and the more I would benefit from the experience.  Playing in the dark helped me to perfect my jumpshot (if you can hit shots without seeing where the basket is then...)  Playing on ice and in the snow helped me to improve my balance and my shooting (couldn't really do much dribbling then!)

Basketball was a game that allowed me to focus all of my competitive energy and my perfectionism.  It didn't require me to have friends (of which I had relatively few growing up) or to rely on other people in general to play.  It didn't require much in the way of equipment (more than a few Christmas and birthday presents were basketballs simply because I wore them out so quickly).  As I said, it became my life and, consequently, it became my identity.  I began to collect basketball jerseys from every team and I remember my sophomore or junior year of high school wearing nothing but said jerseys for over a month: a different one every day (incidentally, I also wore shorts to school just about every day, winter included, because a) I knew I'd be playing basketball at some point during the day and b) the heat was so wickedly hot in school that if I wore pants I'd be sweating my brains out for the entire day.  My logic was as follows: I'd be outside for five or ten minutes waiting for the bus (which would be heated), another five walking from the stop to school, another five or ten waiting for the bus in the afternoon, and then another two minutes walking home.  A half an hour of possibly being cold versus six hours of definitely being hot?  It was a no-brainer).

Anyway, back to Miami.  Tim Hardaway was my idol in terms of my basketball game.  I wanted to shoot like him, pass like him, layup like him, and, most of all, dribble like him.  I've never been able to do the Killer Crossover ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0HRPIu02Xo ) quite like him...but it's serviceable.  So the Eastern Conference Semifinals start...and the Knicks win game one.  Then they go up a commanding three games to one going into game five...and that's when my identity as a Heat fan was soldered.  Anyone watching that series remembers the P.J. Brown/Charlie Ward fight that led to the controversial suspensions...and the Heat winning games five, six, and seven.  They beat the Knicks and took the Atlantic Division crown from them in Pat Riley's second year in Miami.  Did I mention that he left the Knicks for South Beach? 

I hope it still hurts, Knicks fans.

So for as much as I loved Tim Hardaway's game I hated Patrick Ewing's equally.  He had one of the ugliest jump shot forms in the history of basketball (ditto for free throws) and was as ungainly as they come.  Worse, he was revered by Knicks fans.  To this day I take no greater satisfaction from nearly anything in sports than I do from the fact that Ewing never won a ring.  In his defense though, the Knicks proved what a classless organization they are when they let him go rather than re-sign him despite his diminishing talents (like the Yankees with Jeter) or convince him to retire.  It's still odd seeing the big man in a Magic or Sonics uniform.

Anyway, back to the NFL.  So in 2000 the Vikings were flying high.  They had two PHENOMENAL talents in Daunte Culpepper (a QB bigger than a linebacker) and Randy Moss (arguably the greatest deep threat receiver in the history of the league).  This is without even mentioning Cris Carter and Gary Anderson. In 1998 the team had set some crazy offensive records and lost in the NFC Championship game because of some poor kicking.  The upside of that, though, was that the Denver Broncos won their second of two back-to-back championships and John Elway retired as a two-time champ and one-time Super Bowl MVP.   Things were going great...until the NFC Championship Game in 2000.  I had been crushed in '98 when the Vikings had a Super Bowl bid in their grasp but this was going to be the year they redeemed themselves.  After all, I had never watched my favorite team play in the big dance despite their having made four appearances historically.

So what happened in 2000?  The Giants beat them 41-0 only to go on and lose to the Ravens by an anemic 34-7.  I hated the sudden vociferous vocality of Giants fans and I hated the fact that a less talented team beat my esteemed Vikings.  Enter Eli Manning and further said trash talking by the Giants' fans.  I hated Eli's "Aw shucks" Goofie "GAWRSH!" speech and his equally inbred style of play.  Somehow, though, despite his awkward looking style of play, Manning managed to complete passes and have success (Patrick Ewing anyone?)  Until 2007, though, his success was shortened in its scope.  Enter the undefeated New England Patriots.  I'm not a fan of their team but I AM a fan of record-setting statistical performances.  Needless to say, I wanted to see a 19-0 season.  The ending to that Super Bowl will haunt me forever.  Effin' Giants!

I bring up all of this because I now have a son who, presumably, will be into sports as he grows up.  I am excited because I developed such a strong interest in athletics without necessarily having that interest fostered by my Dad.  My hope, then, is that Timmy will be an even bigger sports fan than me simply because of my high level of enthusiasm.  I'm looking forward to seeing what sports and what teams he favors and how he comes to his own conclusions.  Will he be a Heat, Mets, and Vikings guy?  Part of me hopes so...but the bulk of me wants him to have his own teams to root for.  Hopefully it's not the Knicks, Phillies, and Giants...but if it is, at least it'll make those particular games that much more fun to watch!

 

"A Serbian Film" or "A Nightmare"

I couldn't fall asleep last night and it was because of a movie I've never even seen; I can count the number of times that's happened to me on one finger. Don't get me wrong--I've had sleeping issues because of movies I've seen but not because of a movie I simply read about. The second recurring nightmare I had in my life when I was little was because of the movie "Troll" or, specifically, one scene from the movie. All I remember is a part of the film where a child's striped ball goes bouncing through an open door down a set of stairs into the basement. I don't remember if you see the Troll's eyes, hear it grunting, or actually see the thing but whatever it was it traumatized me. Cut me some slack--I was two or three years old and for someone of that age, THIS was pretty terrifying: http://www.flixster.com/movie/troll-photos


(The first recurring nightmare came courtesy of the 8 p.m. garbage pickup on Thursdays.  I was two or maybe even younger and I remember the loud screeching sound of the compactor going and the truck's engine, as well as seeing the red lights at the front of the truck that gave it a monstrous resemblance.)

Anyway, after "Troll" it was the movie "Leprechaun" (which, I suppose, is still in the ballpark in terms of creepiness).  Then I went through a freaked-out-by-aliens phase and watching the show "Sightings" with my parents on Friday or Saturday night would definitely render me a bit gun shy about going to sleep (I've never seen "Fire in the Sky" or "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" and I don't plan to thank you very much!)  I don't remember any movies that caused me to lose sleep until (unexpectedly) 2002 when Heather and I saw "Signs" in the theater.  I know, I know--I'm probably one of only four people in the entire country that liked the movie...and the only one that got spooked by it.  I think it was more the loud, jarring, startling-in-your-face kind of scares that Shyamalan employed that got me jittery...and then the whole alien thing.  I heard that the reason many people disliked the movie was because the alien looked lame; I wouldn't know as I was looking in between my fingers at the time.  I just remember on the drive home expecting something to jump up from under the car onto the hood.  Maybe it was the thousand-or-so times I've watched the Twilight Zone finally catching up to me.  Who knows.

Next it was "American History X" that caused me a few sleepless nights in succession.  The bathroom scene freaked me out to an unbelievable degree--so much so that I didn't so much as jaywalk for a full week out of fear of winding up in prison.  True story. 

Ed Norton = Amazing.

Finally, I bugged out over "Paranormal Activity" last year.  I know it was hit or miss with people...but it was a mega-hit with me.  There were too many eerie similarities to things that have happened in my house with things that were going on in the film and when I tried to sleep that night all I kept picturing was some unseen demon dragging me out of my bed by my foot.  Yeah...so out of the next FOUR nights I slept exactly once...and that was because I was in Atlantic City and imbibed a great deal.

So that brings us up to speed...sort of.  I still need to explain the whole movie-I-haven't-seen-keeping-me-awake thing.  It all happened last night while I was enjoying a North Coast Old Rasputin Russian Imperial Stout (seriously--good stuff).  I popped online to check my email and I saw an interesting article in the newsfeed about a Jim Carrey movie I had never heard of.  I could see only a photo of Carrey and another male actor and the title of the film, "I Love You Phillip Morris."  I assumed from the picture that it was a movie about a gay romance but the title made me think it might be another scathing commentary on the cigarette industry.  I clicked on the link and it pulled up the article I will link you to in a moment.  Let me warn you though...be careful what you read on that page and, more importantly, what you might be inclined to look up.  In fact, why not just skip the link for a moment and let me summarize what you'll find there and then you can decide for yourself what you investigate.

http://blog.moviefone.com/2010/12/02/controversial-movies/

So the title of the article is "Most Controversial Movies of All Time: 10 Films That Truly Shocked Audiences."  Let me tell you first that this is a misnomer and is misleading.  Many of these films are nowhere near as controversial as some others that I will outline below but perhaps I am misreading the title.  Said title seems to imply that the list is of the Top 10 Most Controversial Films of all time...but there is a lack of a definite article at the beginning of the title, which might transform it into simply "Ten OF the Most Controversial Films of All Time."  I'll start with the list itself, which is as follows:

"A Serbian Film"
"Fahrenheit 9/11"
"The Passion of the Christ"
"Kids"
"Natural Born Killers"
"The Last Temptation Of Christ"
"Salo"
"Last Tango In Paris"
"Deep Throat"
"A Clockwork Orange"

I'm assuming that the Phillip Morris movie is included in the list...and I have to say I'm surprised that it is.  Homosexual relationships and romances are by no means part of the mainstream media...but neither is America like it was sixty years ago.  Modern American conservativism falls somewhere in between Iran (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_3RUwAJ_MI   Stay classy, Mahmoud!) and Ancient Rome ("Broscious!  Are you going to the orgy later???"  "Dude-icus!  Which one???  LOL  ::Ancient Roman High Five Ensues::); "Brokeback Mountain" was a big deal when it came out (lol) but perspectives have changed since then, so I'm surprised that the Phillip Morris movie would be considered controversial.

Anyway...okay...so if you're anything like me you've heard of eight of these films ("A Serbian Film" and "Salo" excluded) and that's a good thing.  From a purely critical standpoint, the list is notably lacking and repetitive in its themes (there are two films about Christ, for example, but none about racism or specific horrific socio-political events).  "Fahrenheit 9/11" isn't even a film (technically) but a documentary...and there are PLENTY of controversial documentaries that could be placed on a list of the top ten most controversial films.  "The Passion of the Christ" was definitely controversial in its own right, particularly because of its violence and its depictions of Jews as evil and money-hungry...but it became even more infamous because of its director's Anti-Semitic rants.

"Kids" is a movie you might not have seen...but you'd be missing out.  It's a disturbing film but it's definitely eye-opening.  The article misidentifies the plot, which I found irritating, but the general premise is the same.  "Natural Born Killers" is a movie I've never seen but I remember the firestorm it sparked when it came out.  It seems to be more about gratuitous violence than anything else and I remember people being disturbed by the sheer quantity of bloodshed in the film.  Again, I would recommend "American History X" for the list though for its level of violence or, more specifically, its style of violence  ("Put your fuckin' mouth on the curb"...yeah...just made me shudder thinking about it).  "Last Tango In Paris" seems to be on the list solely because it was controversial at the time...which could be said for any number of movies ("Psycho" anyone?)

So that leaves us with "Deep Throat," "A Clockwork Orange,"...and the other two.  "Deep Throat," again, is controversial because of the time it was released and the fact that it was a landmark film (as the article says, it turned the X rating into into X-Rated).  I would argue that the film "Caligula" is far more controversial than "Deep Throat" and it came out seven years later. 

Okay--a little note about "Caligula."  Someone told me about this movie a long time ago and said I should never, ever watch it.  Naturally, this inclined me to do so but at the time I had no way of seeing it and eventually I forgot about it.  When I got to college, I found that my friends shared in my general disposition towards gross things (being mostly unaffected or desensitized towards them).  We would often try to gross-out (or out-gross-out, technically) each other with ever-more shocking pictures or stories found on the Internet (even that had its limit though--the idea of a harlequin fetus still freaks me out to this day).  Somewhere along the way I remembered "Caligula" and tricked Heather into watching it with me.

Now, it should be noted that, on paper, "Caligula" sounds probably far worse than "A Clockwork Orange."  I saw part of the latter in my psychology class in undergrad and I found that to be far more disturbing.  I think it was the sense of realism (or perhaps it was real footage being used) of the sexual depravity of some of the scenes that really got under my skin.  With "Caligula," I feel that it was so kitschy and over-the-top that it detracted from what, on paper, sounds pretty horrendous.  It's considered an adult biographical film as well as epic pornography...but it's as unerotic as it gets.  I'm sure there are people who get their jollies from it...but that's a pretty creepy notion.  What also makes both "Caligula" and "A Clockwork Orange" creepy is the fact that they both star Malcolm McDowell!

http://movi.ca/im/actor_images_resized/caligula1001.jpg

So now that leaves us with two movies from the controversial list: "A Serbian Film" and "Salo."  Both seem innocuous enough...but not so much.  I read the article sections in order but I'm saving "A Serbian Film" for last for the purposes of my discussion.  Both films are disgusting and disturbing but "A Serbian Film" trumps "Salo" a million times over.

Anyway, regarding the latter, the full title of the movie is: Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom.  It is based upon the literary work of the Marquis de Sade of the same name (The 120 Days of Sodom).  Without even getting remotely into what I read about the plot of the film (and, presumably of the novel as well), let this excerpt from the Wikipedia article about the book serve as a warning for anyone curious enough to look deeper into the details of the film:

"[The 120 Days of Sodom] tells the story of four wealthy male libertines who resolve to experience the ultimate sexual gratification in orgies. To do this, they seal themselves away for four months in an inaccessible castle with a harem of 46 victims, mostly young male and female teenagers, and engage four women brothel keepers to tell the stories of their lives and adventures. The women's narratives form an inspiration for the sexual abuse and torture of the victims, which gradually mounts in intensity and ends in their slaughter."

"The film focuses on four wealthy, corrupted fascist libertines in Benito Mussolini's Italy in 1944 who kidnap a total of eighteen teenage boys and girls and subject them to four months of extreme violence, sadism, sexual and mental torture. The film is noted for exploring the themes of political corruption, abuse of power, sadism, perversion, sexuality, and fascism."




The sheer violence of the film and its unforgiving filming approach has gotten it banned all over the place and is what renders it so controversial.  The fact that it is based upon a book mitigates the shock value somewhat...but it is still unbelievably hideous.  The fact that it serves as a social commentary (and an effective one at that, from those that have seen it: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0073650/usercomments) offers perhaps the only excusable reason for watching it.  Most people (to sum up the thrust of the comments) came away haunted, some to the point that they couldn't eat for an extended period of time and others to the point that they were unable to think of anything but what they had just seen.  Again, since this film is based upon a book and its existence serves to speak to some greater issue(s), it can be understood why someone would watch it...

...but "A Serbian Film"?  There is absolutely no excuse for something like this to exist let alone to have been filmed.  Thankfully, the Serbian government is investigating whether or not the film perpetrates crimes against sexual morals and engenders the endangerment of minors.  The blurb on the Most Controversial Movies list for the film reads as follows:

"Since 'A Serbian Film' debuted at the South by Southwest festival this March, the movie has managed to create a firestorm of controversy in every country it has been screened in. While director Aleksandar Radivojević and others claim the story's graphic depiction of rape, incest and murder is a metaphor for the brutality of the Serbian government, many critics have argued that it's actually a metaphor for morally indefensible torture porn. British authorities refused to allow the film to run in London, while Serbian authorities are currently investigating the movie on charges related to child endangerment."

I have heard stories about the brutality of the Serbian government, particularly in terms of ethnic cleansing, and thus I was curious about the "firestorm of controversy" that this film created.  I will admit, I glazed over the line that cited things of "graphic depiction," with my usual "how-bad-could-it-be?" perspective and looked on Wikipedia for more information about the film.  I started reading...and by then it was too late.

To say that I was horrified would be a gross understatement.  This film isn't just hideous and heinous, it's downright evil.  At the bottom of the article there are a few quotations of critical reviews of the film, which read as follows:

First: "The film was released to great controversy in terms of its graphic and often sexually explicit violence. Screenwriter Srdjan Spasojevic has responded to the controversy with "This is a diary of our own molestation by the Serbian government... It's about the monolithic power of leaders who hypnotize you to do things you don’t want to do. You have to feel the violence to know what it’s about."

I have to say, having read the plot of the film (and given the "firestorm of controversy") I have to call Mr. Spasojevic out on his bullshit.  You want to film in black and white an apple sitting on a desk for four hours and tell me that your movie speaks to the ennui of the world or the fact that God abandoned us (both typical artsy bullshit themes) that's fine.  No one's getting hurt or mentally/emotionally scarred.  You take a puppy, cover it in gasoline, light it on fire, and play Christmas music in the background while it burns and tell me that your movie is symbolic of the treatment of refugees in some third world country...and you're starting to cross that line not only of acceptability but of believability as well (let it be said that Mr. Spasojevic has not done either of those things--they're examples I made up to illustrate my point).  But to film what he did in "A Serbian Film" and to then claim that "This is a diary of our own molestation by the Serbian government"?  It's inexcusable and it's fucking sick.  There are plenty of other ways of presenting such a diary.



The final two reviews read:

Scott Weinberg wrote "I think the film is tragic, sickening, disturbing, twisted, absurd, infuriated, and actually quite intelligent. There are those who will be unable (or unwilling) to decipher even the most basic of 'messages' buried within A Serbian Film, but I believe it's one of the most legitimately fascinating films I've ever seen. I admire and detest it at the same time. And I will never watch it again. Ever."

A more critical review came from Alison Willmore: "Movies can use transgressive topics and imagery toward great artistic resonance. They can also just use them for pure shock/novelty/boundary-pushing, which is where I'd group Serbian Film. That it comes from a country that's spent decades deep in violent conflict, civil unrest, corruption and ethnic tensions makes it tempting to read more into the film than I think it actually offers—ultimately, it has as much to say about its country of origin as Hostel does about America, which is a little, but nothing on the scale its title suggests."


Maybe its my sensitivity to the types of violent acts that are portrayed by the film or maybe it's simply the fact that I'm a parent now and have a different outlook on things.  Regardless, I found myself opting for another brew (Founders Breakfast Stout--even MORE incredible than the Rasputin!) after I finished reading the article, knowing that I was not going to sleep well, if at all, and hoping that the 8.30% ABV of the beer would help knock me out (it didn't).  Instead, I found myself tossing and turning, haunted by the images conjured up by the plot summary and, worse, by its closing phrase: "Start with the little one."

If you're of a sensitive disposition, please don't look this movie up; the purpose of my article was to exorcise the terrible, creepy feeling its summary gave me and to warn people about it.  If you think it won't bother you and you read the description or, even better, if you've seen the film (because I know I will never EVER watch this shit) I would love to know if you agree with Srdjan Spasojevic & Scott Weinberg that the film serves as a metaphor, or if you agree with Alison Willmore and myself that to view the film as anything but atrocious and diabolically repulsive is reading into it a bit too much.  Drop a comment and let me know.


POST SCRIPT!

I can't end this entry on such a negative, depressing note, so I'll conclude with an anecdote.  After reading the first paragraph or two of the description I thought of the movie "8mm" starring Nicholas Cage (naively, I thought that "A Serbian Film" was going to be similar in its scope and execution).  This morning, I thought of the film and its star again...and I was shocked by the progression that Nicholas Cage's acting career has taken.  To picture him in a film as dark as "8mm" and as villainous or violent characters in "Conair" and "Face/Off"...and then to compare those roles to his more recent endeavors (Disney's "National Treasure" and "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" to name but two)...it's quite a dichotomy.  This, in turn, made me think of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and his equal but opposite progression, going from films such as "The Game Plan," "Race to Witch Mountain," and "Tooth Fairy" to his latest movie "Faster."  It's as if the two actors are linked indelibly by some unseen bizarro universe connection causing one actor to take softer roles while the other toughens up.  I can only imagine what the middle ground would look like should both actors' careers reverse polarity!

Anger, Apathy, and Avoidance of Responsibility: The Disenfranchisement of the Modern American Adolescent

"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."  --Tyler Durden in "Fight Club"

"The "battle against racism" takes precedence over personal responsibility, hard work, pursuing an education, and breeding children only when capable of assuming this responsibility.  Anger can become the enemy of success and of productivity.  Those who fan this anger create an emotional and psychological trap of weights and barriers."  --Larry Elder in Stupid Black Men: How To Play The Race Card--And Lose"

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”
--Yoda in "Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace"



Recently, I've found myself brooding on the state of our world and what it means for my son and his generation.  I reflected on my parents' generation and that of their parents and tried to juxtapose them with my own.  As it stands, my group--popularized as "Generation Y" or, perhaps more so, as "Millennials"--stands as a far cry from the idealized generations of years past.  I suppose it is habitual for generations to look back fondly on their primes and to view them as being some sort of golden era...but I'm beginning to wonder whether or not my group will be doing that.

Right now, many Millennials (and members of Generation X) are in the primes of their lives, myself included.  Though there are no set dates for when Generation Y starts and ends, it is generally accepted to be from somewhere in the middle of the 1970s up until the turn of the current century.  That means that the bulk of Millennials are in their twenties or thirties--in the midst of developing their careers and perhaps still pursuing higher education but likely leaving high school and their youths in the dust of the past.  Consequently, this also means that most of us are entering the time in our lives where we will be settling down--purchasing a home, getting married, and, perhaps, having children; Generation X members can say the same. In the case of the children of these two generations, though, I believe that there is cause for concern as the maturity level and overall outlook on life of Millennials and Gen Xers is often called into question.  More on that in a little bit though.

An important point to note about Millennials, though, is that the group, as noted above, includes children born around and into the early 2000s, which means that children born in the 1990s are considered to be members of the generational group.  I'm making this distinction because of something that happened yesterday in the neighborhood that I grew up in.  Throughout the day yesterday (a day that is meant to be fun and memorable for children) a large group of neighborhood kids engaged in what amounts to inexcusable and inexplicable vandalism, causing property damage as well as physical damage to passersby and sparking a firestorm of angry commentary on the local website as well as on Facebook where said site has been linked to numerous times (to view the article in question, click here:  http://www.gerritsenbeach.net/2010/11/01/no-police-response-despite-massive-damage-by-local-teens/  )

Halloween in Gerritsen Beach has grown steadily more violent and disgusting over the past fifteen to twenty years.  When I was a kid the worst that would happen would be kids attacking each other with shaving cream and eggs, and toilet papering local homes.  Often this behavior wouldn't begin until after sundown, meaning that most of the little kids would be done with their trick-or-treating.  Though I did not engage in the aforementioned sophomoric behavior and would not deign to deem it acceptable now, it can and should be said that it was done, to some degree, with discretion; even the "punks" who engaged in such behavior had some semblance of respect for other people and their property.  Over time, though, the behavior grew more outlandish, confrontational, and, in some aspects, dangerous.  One of the last years I remember going trick-or-treating, people wound up cutting their day short because of three assholes going around with Supersoaker waterguns filled with a mixture of vinegar, urine, and eggs.  It would have been bad enough if they were squirting only each other...but they weren't.  Kids and their parents were getting caught in the scrum caused by three idiots who served to ruin what should be an exciting and safe day for small children--not a day for asshole teenagers to run around causing trouble.

Since then (the early 1990s), things have grown progressively worse as the interlopers have grown increasingly younger and more brazen in their antics.  One recent year while I was working in Manhattan I had the unfortunate responsibility of working on Halloween.  While living in Gerritsen Beach I would often use one of my vacation days on Halloween simply to avoid having to go out of the house--things had gotten that bad.  During this year, though (maybe 2005 or '06) I had to work somewhat late and took the express bus home.  There was no WAY I was going to take the train and the city bus knowing that, in then-recent years, kids had taken to egging passing buses and, on occasion, exiting passengers.  Unfortunately, though, (and unbeknownst to me) the craziness crescendoed and reached a new peak that year.  The MTA had had their buses vandalized by the kids as the drivers performed their routes up and down Gerritsen Avenue.  The sides of the buses were plastered with eggs, shaving cream, and God only knows what else...but many of the buses had their windshields and side windows destroyed with rocks and other projectiles.  The result?  The MTA was terminating service at Avenue U (more than a mile from my house in Gerritsen Beach) and refused to go any further until late on November 1st.  That meant that I would then have to walk through the nonsense on my way home.  It was like a ghost town and a war zone--the entire avenue was COVERED with evidence of these kids' "good time."  Though I was nervous (the MTA wouldn't even go in there!) I refused to be afraid in my own neighborhood and I walked straight down Gerritsen Avenue until I reached my block.  Luckily, I made it home without incident...but there were definitely tons of kids hiding in the shadows eyeballing me.  I saw a few cars get egged with the drivers stopping, opening their doors, and then thinking better of it and hauling ass out of there.

This year, it would appear, things have reached an absolute low point.  Though I provided the link above, I would like to quote some of what was written (courtesy of Gerritsenbeach.net):

"50+ teens held their ground at Gerritsen and Florence Avenues and Seba Avenue Park for a better part of Halloween. They formed a firing line on both sides of Gerritsen Avenue. They were throwing the eggs, shaving cream cans, potatoes, rocks, at anything that drove past and anyone who dared to confront them. They even started throwing eggs at people, parents with young children and strollers. One parent said “I saw them jump a delivery car with kids banging on it, eggs getting slammed into it and some ran on the car”



"An older man in his late 60′s was driving along Gerritsen Avenue when his car was hit by eggs, when he exited the vehicle he was pelted by dozens of eggs, rocks were thrown, chucks of brick, and someone tossed a hammer. Parents and community members stepped in to protect this man and started to chase the kids to away."

In thinking about these events the only conclusion that I can draw is that these kids have no boundaries.  People were quick to blame the police for not showing up...but what about the parents who could have prevented the whole thing simply by knowing where their kids were going, what they were going to be doing, and telling them, "NO!"  Many parents of my generation (and, more so, Generation X) are so obsessed with being their kids' friends that they lose sight of the fact that their job is to be their PARENTS first.  And, yes, being a parent includes being a disciplinarian!  Too many of these parents are so afraid of damaging their fragile children by saying "No"--so afraid of causing them emotional distress and mental discomfort that they concede immediately.  Watch when you go to Toys-R-Us or some other toy store: it's the yuppie parents (more often than not) with the kids throwing tantrums.  As soon as they realize that there are numerous pairs of eyes staring at them (and fearing for the emotional well-being of their children!) the parents will give in and get the kid whatever they want...but what is it that the kid wants?  In fact, what were they saying in the first place?  Quite often it's disrespectful and fresh; you would think that the kids are the parents and vice versa.  I've heard kids call their parents dummies, idiots, jerks, in a few cases assholes, and demand that they get what they want.  Perhaps unsurprisingly, in quiet, measured tones, the parents attempt to explain to their children that they got a toy yesterday...but it often falls on deaf ears.  The kids wind up with the toy(s) and the parents walk away with their peace-of-mind intact...but look again.  What else are the kids and parents coming away with?

The Kids

1. A lack of value for the material items that they covet (why care about a toy when they will simply get a new one at will?)
2. An understanding that, if they bitch about it enough, they will get it.
3. A lack of understanding of boundaries, of the value of money, and proper child/parent roles.
4. The belief that respect is something to be found in the dictionary--an antiquated notion that worked for past generations but not for theirs.

The Parents

1. A kid (or kids) who do not have the skills necessary to cope with being told "No."
2. A kid who fails to respect others AND themselves and who will go on to become an adult who does the same thing.
3. A failure to understand that one's children need to be taught the value of proper etiquette and behavior in public (and probably in private as well).
4. The knowledge that will come later that they are disserving their children by failing to prepare them adequately for adult life and the fact that, at that stage of their lives, the rest of society will not coddle and protect them.

Okay...so the kids have no boundaries...so what?  What does that mean?  In order to answer that, you have to look at both sides of the equation: cause and effect.  The effect will be a generation of disaffected adults who cannot handle most employment situations (i.e. working for and with others); who have little respect and regard for the law, themselves, and others; and, ultimately, who will propagate their own chaotic lifestyles in the generations that they will go on to engender.  The cause, though, comes from a generation of adults who were once children with issues with their parents.  In many cases, members of Generation X (born in the 1960s and 1970s) resented the discipline that was administered to them (be it physical or otherwise) and their reaction has been, in many cases, to respond with an equal but opposite lack of discipline with their kids; the result is a generation of parents who are more concerned with being their kids' friends than their parents.  They so want to be liked by their children that they refuse to say no, to punish their children, or to otherwise set those boundaries.

I've witnessed many of these parents' impotent attempts at disciplining their kids.  The child might be doing something destructive or simply something that they shouldn't be doing and the parents will turn around and say "No, don't do X/Y/Z!"  But that's it.  The kid goes right back to doing it...and the parents either ignore it or just say "No!" again.  There's no real discipline and the kids know that if they keep doing it, eventually they will be left alone.  If the parent attempts to remove the child from the situation, the child pitches a tantrum and, eventually, will be allowed to do whatever it is that they were told not to.

The parenting lessons that have been handed down through recent generations seem to be falling on deaf ears nowadays.  Modern parents are so yuppified that all they care about is whether or not their little ones are meeting the proper percentiles and that they are provided with the "best" (i.e. most expensive/trendiest) toys and learning tools to help them develop.  Granted, the intent with the latter is noble...but how much of a substitute for actual hands-on parenting can these gadgets and DVD programs be?  This generation of parents is moving increasingly away from personal interaction and replacing it with technology.  Many yuppie parents fail to sit down and have dinner with their kids, asking them how their days have been and what's going on in their lives.  Instead, they believe that they are "connected" to their kids' lives simply because they text or email during the day.

Seriously?

I think this generation of parents have their priorities out of whack.  Everything's been handed to them (us?) on a silver platter.  Look back at the opening quotation from Fight Club--it speaks directly to this very generation:

"I see all this potential, and I see squandering. God damn it, an entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables; slaves with white collars. Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." --Tyler Durden in "Fight Club"


Gone are the days where one would take a job with a single company and work there for forty years, taking pride in the association with said company or corporation.  Here are the days where the work itself (and, inherently, its intrinsic value) is secondary to whatever the money earned can buy.  Our parents and their parents worked for everything they earned.  They had their Great Wars--wars that, for all their horror, helped to define their generations and to give America a single, unified identity.  What do we have?  The Gulf War?  The War in Iraq?  Wars that were (and are still) motivated by money-lust--not some idyllic moral gesture; OUR wars are representative of the things that OUR generation value: the materialistic, the unspiritual, and the unfulfilling.

We HAVE been raised on television and the next generation will be as well...only it seems that they will be raised by television and computers.  It's all about instant gratification and staying in step with whatever nonsense material trend is currently in place.  It's no longer simply about who is wearing designer clothes and sneakers but who has the newest iPhone, who is on Twitter, and what reality shows you watch.  Instead of television abounding with programs showing wholesome families that are reflective of the ideals we once held, it glorifies the likes of Mike "The Situation" and his ilk--of rappers, athletes, and celebrities who have had the good fortune of falling into money and being able to live a life of ease that MOST OF US WILL NEVER HAVE but that the next generation yearns for.

I am not a Luddite.  I am not a sentimentalist, yearning for the glory days of olde.  I'm not a bitter old man ruing the death of a golden age.  I'm twenty-seven going on twenty-eight and I am aware.  My generation and its predecessor are fucking up a streak that began over a hundred years ago of social, moral, and personal improvement.  Our generations are content to coast--to loaf and to rely on the hard work and effort of the past hundred years.  And when these generations are faced with the hard evidence, down the line, that we ruined everything that had been worked for...what will the reaction be?  The same that it has for everything else: a shrug of the shoulders, a toss of the hands skyward, and a facial expression that says "Not my problem--let someone else fix it." 

Millennials, Gen-Xers, and their children were and will be raised based upon the belief that they will be rock gods and celebrities and that they don't need to work hard for anything because, eventually, it will be given to them.  We are a generation that is allergic to building up a sweat--to toiling endlessly not merely for the ends we seek to achieve but simply for the experience of working hard.  We live in a world where yuppie pretension takes precedence over those who value the mores their parents tried to instill in them.  Now, these "parents" are obsessed with preserving the fragile egos of their disenfranchised children.  No longer do kids compete for first place; instead, everyone gets a trophy for competing.  There are no losers--no one who fails--because EVERYONE IS A WINNER!!

That is...until these kids get into the real world.  The children of Generation X adults are growing up in a world where they are told constantly that they are great and that they're special and unique (just like every other snowflake).  Unfortunately, the impact on these kids, particularly those heading for corporate America, is that they are grossly unprepared for dealing with the rigors of adult employment and socializing.  Suddenly, these kids who have been told throughout their entire lives that they are winners and that whatever effort they extend is "great" are now facing the fact that their Powerpoint presentation sucked or that their writing abilities leave much to be desired.  A generation of children needing constant coddling and "Attaboys/girls" are crumbling beneath the pressure of high-stress work environments.  This is to say nothing of the kids who have no boundaries!

We are cultivating a generation of children brought up on Baby Einstein, Baby and Me Yoga classes, baby harnesses to help baby walk without the fear of falling, baby wipe warmers to protect children from the harsh chilly temperatures of ordinary wipes, and any other number of wussifying, demeaning things.  These kids are being taught to fear everything (Purell, Purell, Purell!  It's a dangerous world out there!), to use their "Inside Voices" when they should instead be using their common sense as to when to be boisterous and when simply to shut the fuck up, and to rely on pills to fix any and every ailment that they might or might not even have.  The message is, "Protect, protect, protect!" but, in reality, all that these kids are being sheltered from is the chance to develop the necessary coping skills to succeed in the modern American adult spectrum.  We are retarding their abilities to grow morally, emotionally, and socially and are shielding them from failure instead of teaching them how to deal with it and how to accept it as a natural part of life without it crushing their egos.
So what do we wind up with?  Four generations (Generation X, Millennials, and the children of both groups) who are incapable of understanding the meaning of accountability and respect.  People who are quick to point fingers and to sue instead of accepting their mistakes as their own and learning from them.  The kids, in particular, are finding themselves frustrated when they reach adulthood because they are incapable of interacting with others who are far more stable, responsible, and reliable than they are.  The result of this is unrelenting anger and thus more finger pointing. 

As quoted above, Larry Elder states that "Anger can become the enemy of success and of productivity.  Those who fan this anger create an emotional and psychological trap of weights and barriers."  Though Mr. Elder was referencing racism and those who rely on playing the race card and stirring up racial-anger and mistrust, I believe that his point is applicable here as well.  Instead of fostering the development of strong moral compasses in their children, many Generation X parents choose instead to illustrate the point that you can get away with things and not have to accept responsibility simply by blaming others.  The result is an angry group of children-turned-adults who do not know how to cope with being told no, with being told that they are not good enough, and, in many cases, with not knowing how to deal with people with differing opinions, cultural/religious backgrounds, and global perspectives. 

There is a battle waging on a public forum as we speak about the aforementioned Halloween incidents in Gerritsen Beach.  The warring factions are mostly divided down this line: one side understands that these kids need to be held accountable for their actions, and the other side continues to ignore the inexcusable nature of the behavior and chooses instead to justify, however loosely, the unjustifiable behavior.  The latter, when faced with the irrefutable facts of the episode respond in the same fashion that SO MANY people who are incapable of accepting blame and responsibility do: "Yeah but."  It's all "Yeah but we did this as kids" or "Yeah but they're just kids being kids," ignoring completely the fact that what occurred was dangerous, violent, destructive, disruptive, and downright reprehensible.  But rather than face this with maturity and say "You know what?  These kids need to be held accountable for their actions" they are attacking anyone who disagrees with them and, in particular, the brave individual who brought the issue into the public forum in the first place.

We are dealing with a generation (or two) that is long on attributing blame but short on offering applicable solutions to America's woes.  Their children are growing into individuals who are mirroring the behavior of their parents and echoing the very same attitudes of avoiding hard work and accepting responsibility.  The next generations are angry...but they don't understand why.  Their parents are afraid of losing their admiration and, instead of parenting them, they allow them free reign, thus rendering them incapable of developing into respectable adolescents and adults.  Said adolescents and adults grow angry because of their inabilities to cope with the world they live in and, in like fashion, they turn to hate: they hate things they don't understand, things that are different from them, and things that tell them no or force them to hold themselves accountable.  As a result, we all suffer.

I'd like to close with what I believe is a very germane adaptation of a pamphlet that was written by Nannie Burroughs around the beginning of the twentieth century.  I came across this list of "12 Things The Negro Must Do For Himself" in Larry Elder's book and found it salient to my argument about the generational issues that we are currently encountering.  The paraphrased/adapted text below has been inspired by the original literature found on the website "Black Men In America.com" http://www.blackmeninamerica.com/12.htm  courtesy of founder and publisher Gary Johnson, taken from the original literature written by Ms. Burroughs.

*CHANGED on 11/3/10*

In the interest of creating a stronger connection between my overarching argument and the list, I have decided to paraphrase Ms. Burroughs in bullet-point fashion with the hopes that the parallels between her original intent and my own will grow both clearer and stronger.  Again, for the original text please consult the link above.

Things that the modern adolescent (and future generations of youths) should take into consideration as the develop their personalities and individual perspectives on life:

1.  You should put as much effort into your education and into developing honorable character traits as you do your pursuit of earning money to fritter away on clothes, food, and anything else that is not a necessity in your life.

2.  God helps those who help themselves.  Stop relying on the hard work of others (your parents, your peers, whoever!) and get your own hands dirty.  Stop making excuses for yourself when the work gets too hard or you are forced to do things that you are not accustomed to doing.  Hard work builds character--something that is essential in your adulthood.
3. Strive to improve your surroundings, including your OWN personal appearance.  Have enough respect to throw your trash away in a garbage can instead of throwing it in the street with the expectation that someone else will clean up your mess.  And dress in a respectable fashion and in a venue-appropriate manner.  If your pants don't fit--wear a belt to keep them up, ESPECIALLY if you're in a place of worship or around your elders.  It doesn't make you look cool--it makes you seem incapable of dressing yourself.
4. Being a bigot doesn't make you cool--it makes you look ignorant and ill-informed.  Most hatred of other races and religions come from a lack of understanding or a fear of what is different.  In too many cases nowadays though it comes simply from heredity; it is passed down as if it is a family tradition with no explanation behind the racist or otherwise offensive sentiments.  Think for yourself kids!  Get out there and see more of the world and of your own country.  You'll be surprised to find that people are just like you despite the superficial differences of color and customs.
5. Take pride in your work!  If you're going to be the french fry guy at McDonald's then be the best fry guy the world has ever seen!  If you're submitting an essay for your English class, make it the best English essay you've ever written!  Your work is a reflection not only of yourself and your abilities but of your level of self-respect and the value that you place on your work.  Make sure that people see that you care and make sure that you actually DO care about what you do!
6.  Learn to respect public places and to act appropriately.  Be loud when it's warranted and be quiet when it's not.  Don't do anything that you wouldn't want to see done to your mother, father, younger sibling, or whoever you care about.


This is far from a comprehensive list but it's a start.  I intend to do a separate post on a collection of moral and ethical guidelines that I believe are worth disseminating to today's youth.  Thanks to Melissa DeJoseph for her input regarding the conclusion of the original blog entry.  Please view our comment conversation for an addendum to the discussion this blog attempts to engage in--it furthers many points and raises a few I should have included initially.