Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The Big Day

This morning was easily one of the hardest moments of my life. Timmy and I drove Heather to the Kiss and Ride to see her off at the ferry. Watching her hold him and knowing that at some point I was going to have to say, "Okay...we need to go now" was indescribably terrible; I wouldn't wish what Heather or I were feeling at that moment on anyone. Ultimately, she handled it far better than I did.

The one thing that I didn't anticipate in all of this was just how terrible I was going to feel watching Heather leave. I held myself together right up until the moment I got back into the car. She looked back over her shoulder with such a forlorn look that it made me burst into tears. All at once it overwhelmed me. We had spent nearly every waking moment together for the past twelve weeks and, for the first time, we were being separated. I felt a roiling torrent of emotions. I felt guilty that she was the one leaving to go to work and not me. I felt an aching sadness both for her and for me that she had to go through the emotions that she was dealing with and that we were parting. I felt suddenly intimidated by the task at hand on my part.

Did I mention that all of this was being recorded by a camera and microphone? For inclusion in a documentary that will be presented to hundreds of our peers, former professors, and current members of the Macaulay Honors College family at the five year reunion of the first ever graduating class of Macaulay Honors Scholars?

Before I continue on to how the day has progressed so far, I'd like first to thank Christopher Figueroa for the phenomenal job he did documenting everything today. His presence was unobtrusive, his interview of Heather in the car on the way to the ferry was professional and did not feed on the swirling emotions she was dealing with, and his time spent with Timmy and I was both productive and rewarding. We had an excellent experience being recorded and interviewed (Timmy slept through most of it) and, for me at least, the presentation of the finished product is something that I am very much looking forward to.

I don't want to sit here and act like my mindset was a depressing one all morning. Mixed in with all of the negative feelings I was experiencing was a thrilling joy that came with the realization that I will now be spending the bulk of my time taking care of my son and helping to raise him. I'm already looking forward to our daily walks and the adventures that we will have together. I'm looking forward to playing with him and watching him learn and grow as he continues his phenomenal development. He's turning over a full two months ahead of schedule; I can only imagine how soon he will be crawling, and then taking his first tentative steps before running carefree out into the world.

Though there will be plenty of time for fun and games I know that I have been blessed with a great responsibility. I'm not simply taking care of him and me but I'm managing the household overall. I'm taking care of managing the payment of bills, collecting and sorting the mail, handling cleaning duties, as well as cooking for two (and eventually three) people. There's alot to be done and I know that I'm going to have to work hard but I am prepared for the challenge. I can hope only that my time with him, though fleeting, will be as meaningful and fulfilling to him as it will be to me.